Four? That’s BIG

Family sizes have shrunk, especially amongst Pakeha, but some couples, like Justin and Leeanne Makinson, still think big. By Peter R Walker.

Today, four children is officially a big family.

Just a generation ago, three four or five children in a family was common. A generation before that it was common to have a family of seven, eight, or nine children. Or more. Nowadays, however, most families are smaller.

The perception is that having a large family must be expensive. And chaotic. However, it is not necessarily true and, like most families, children (whether one or four or more) require some compromise, and continuous adjustment.

“With Lucy, we outgrew our car,” says Justin. He and his wife, Leeann, have four children, aged fourteen, eleven, six, and Lucy is just one and a bit.
A bigger car was just one of the adjustments they required to accommodate the newest addition to their family.

“We have waves of feeling busy,” says Justin, “but don’t feel it’s too much.” However, if you consider that Justin is studying full-time to be a secondary teacher and has just become a Youth Worker with the Father and Child Trust, or that Leeann is in training for the Auckland Marathon, that they have a fifteen year old cat called Vader, some guinea pigs and a new puppy called Bear, and that they home school their children, most could be forgiven for thinking that Justin’s ‘waves’ might really be tsunamis.

But clearly they make it work. They are not independently wealthy, and they haven’t won big in Lotto recently. So, like most families, they prioritise.
“We don’t make false promises,” Justin says about what the children can and cannot do.

Two of the children are good swimmers and, as it is for all parents, it can be a double-edged sword. When one or more of their children begin to succeed in sports, while most parents want their children to be successful, such things instantly begin to require more resources from possibly already stretched budgets and hours in the day.

Justin and Leeann’s philosophy in this regard is simple. “If you make it to the top levels, we’ll find the money.”

They also take a “life is learning” approach to home-schooling their children. It’s about character development. “Getting the kids involved, whether it’s cooking tea, looking after siblings, cleaning up, or mowing the lawns, which my daughter loves to do. And Lillie loves bathing Lucy.”

“It’s like, if you’re awake you’re learning.”

Even Justin’s passion, rock-climbing, something he’s loved since high school, is an opportunity to teach his children about the world. “I love the mountains, and it’s my dream to share that with the kids.”

By its very nature, in any family with four children or more, there’s a lot going on, and one can imagine there’s not a lot of quiet time for parents or children, but time out is essential.

It’s a co-operation, says Justin. “We’ve learned don’t sweat the small stuff. Sometimes we do, and that’s an indication you need to take some time out. We can read each other like a book, and I appreciate Leeann’s ability to be my coach. When I, perhaps, can’t see it, she’ll tell me I need to take some time out.”
“We coach each other.”

So into the mix of busy mum, dad, and three active children, comes Lucy. As well as another learning opportunity Lucy, says Justin, “is the glue.
“She’s consolidated the children. It’s been great to see Tegan’s (14) natural characteristics come out; and to see my son hold his little sister, feed her, and look after her… displaying the ability to be a man. Lillie was so inquisitive.

“For Leeann that’s everything.”

In the 21st Century every family is busy. Like most, Justin and Leeann are making life with four children work for them. Are there plans for any more children?
“We’re taking Bear in to get fixed,” Justin laughs. “We might ask about a two-for-one deal.”

“There are no plans for more children at the moment,” he says. “But we did buy an eight seater car, so, who knows.”

Next: New Look on Gender Roles

Dan Brown, a young father being supported by the Father & Child Trust, was interviewed on TV3 about the new “In Your Hands” DVD produced by Great Fathers.

Daniel Brown TV3 13th July 2010

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Mauri Ora Father’s Circle

Looking for support from other fathers?

Looking to lend your support to other fathers?

Just want somewhere where you can grow in confidence in your role as a father?

Maybe you are looking for a male only environment where you can talk with other fathers?

Then our Mauri Ora Father’s Circle may be just what you are looking for.

Meeting every Wednesday evening from 7:00 – 9:00 pm in the Community Office 3 at the Onehunga Community Centre , 83 Church Street, (next to the library) the Fathers’ Mauri Ora Circle, embodying the principles of emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual wellbeing, is a safe place where together we can discuss any fathering issues and collectively strengthen our fathering abilities.

Wednesday evenings – 7-9pm downstairs in Community Office 3 at the Onehunga Community Centre.

Facilitated by our Support Worker, Brendon Smith, what is discussed is determined by those who are there. Recently we’ve talked about topics like

• the need to inform children as soon as possible in the event of a separation
• deciding on the best school for your child
• the role our dads play in modelling how we father our children
• what happens when your ex partner wants to move to another town with your child
• children and sport

to name just a few.

Children are welcome, though we do usually leave them in front of a TV with a tin of biscuits!

You are welcome to “just turn up” any Wednesday or if you would like more information feel free to call Brendon on 525 1690 or 022 697 7026 or email him at auckland@fatherandchild.org.nz

The funding support of the Maungakiekie and Tamaki Community Boards (Auckland City Council) is gratefully acknowledged.

Recent discussion topics

Family Values In Politics

By Harald Breiding-Buss

No matter how many initiatives are undertaken, reviews or witch-hunts, we never seem to rid ourselves of the damning statistics which say, no matter how good it seems, New Zealand is still a scary place for many children to grow up in.

How much does government policy impact on this, and their actions?

No matter what type of government we have, or how hot the economy is running, there are some social problems we just can’t seem to get on top of.

Compared to the mid-seventies, the last time the world economy enjoyed the kind of low unemployment rates and prolonged economic upswing that has just ended, some social indicators are seriously out of control.

There has always been an ‘element’ of people that seemed to resist any attempt to either help them or beat them into becoming more mainstream citizens. Even Karl Marx has given up on them and couldn’t see a place for them in his workers’ socialism.

In New Zealand this subculture started to reach critical mass in the late eighties when the recession hit and affected mainly the blue collar-type jobs. Our rapidly changing economy offered more choice with more information, and as a result attention spans got shorter and people started to seek instant gratifications and pleasures.

The scene was set for increasing numbers of divorces, a massive surge in teen pregnancies and growing crime rates as whole neighbourhoods sank into a lifestyle where having fun exclusively consisted of getting drunk, stoned or laid, and where the money for this came from the government and low-level crime, since getting a job was too hard: the ones that were around now either required an education.

Things took a turn for the worse when in the early nineties the government of the day literally tried to starve these people into employment.

Cut off from government support the money was now increasingly coming from burglaries, drug trade, prostitution or theft – a shadow economy that mainly existed in this subculture but spread into the fringes, and everyone started to feel less safe.

Gangs became quite a viable option for young men, as they weren’t doing anything that they weren’t used to from home anyway, but offered comradeship, purpose and a roof over the head as well. Violent crime also increased, fuelled by alcohol and drugs.

Children were being born to parents who themselves have not seen any other lifestyle in their lifetime.
Over the last nine years, many of the social statistics improved – but nowhere near as much as they should have.

Labour improved the financial situation of the working class, and the economy picked up to a level that even unqualified and casual jobs became easier to find again. Theft, burglary and other property crime went down – but violent crime remains stubbornly high.

Neither has there been any significant reduction in the teen pregnancy rate, and child abuse statistics have become abysmal. Child poverty has fallen significantly, but that is probably only a numerical effect: the government has made more money available to families, so in theory more money is available to the children – but there is no guarantee that it actually went to the children, and indications are that it didn’t.

One of the most unsettling things we see at Father & Child Trust is people (both women and men) with children from multiple partners, and often large numbers of them. This is the kind of situation where the bulk of child abuse occurs in New Zealand, not the two-parent households with a drunkard or just naturally useless father, as public campaigns seem to suggest.

The women pose a greater danger to children than men by a margin of about 2:1. This social environment is also where most of the country’s population growth happens, further fuelling some of the negative trends.

Labour’s approach of compassion has made hardly any difference to this subset of society, even during six or seven years of economic boom-time and fairly easy money, while National’s punitive approach in the nineties merely exaggerated the problem and fuelled property crime.

Unfortunately, neither party has anything to gain from tackling this problem – these people overwhelmingly don’t vote, and the voting population is more than happy to just have people who don’t behave locked up.

While the parties are vying for that vote our prison population has swelled to become (proportionally) the second-largest in the Western world, topped only by the United States.

If the last 20 years have shown anything, it is that economic policies alone are not the answer to social issues (although they often cause them). What we may have to think about is how to introduce values back into society.

‘Moral Values’ became something of a dirty expression in the heydays of the sixties, and never quite recovered from the bad image of simply standing for repressing sexuality.

When we hear it we tend to think of the whole package: God, inflexible gender roles, the lot. However, at the spur of a moment when judgment is impaired (if it has ever been there), moral values will guide our behaviour, that fuzzy feeling of right or wrong. In a situation where impulse rules, after a few drinks or heavy provocation, they are more effective than laws.

The idea of values has found its way into children’s education, although here we call it ‘virtues’. It is the idea that there are some principles that guide our lives, rather than constantly seeking the cheap thrill of the moment.

Jenny Shipley, ironically, tried to consult the populace on these issues towards the end of the last National tenure. It was probably a good idea, but the wrong vehicle and certainly the wrong time – her government had become wildly unpopular and people suspected she was simply trying to distract people from her government’s problems.

National has a base that to a large degree still believes in ‘old family values’, and this creates an opportunity to build on the good that Labour has done for poor families.

The grounds for change may also be more fertile than in the late 90s – the last Census showed that relationship breakups have now peaked and are finally receding again.

My worst nightmare, on the other hand, is that the new government will reach for the old tools of macro-economic changes, thinking that the financial incentives of lower taxes and the punishment of lower benefits will drive people into employment, and that this will miraculously fix everything else.

I hope we really have voted for a new type of government.

Next: Opinion: Protecting The Fathers

The Balancing Act

‘Work/Life Balance’ has become a big catchphrase in the last few years, but initiatives designed to make workplaces fit better around families don’t seem to work as well for men. As Brendon Smith argues, not just families but whole communities benefit from men being more available to children

During the closing decades of last century, life changed abruptly for many fathers.

Along with rock and roll came contraception, the empowerment of women, the growth of mega cities and influence of market forces. Fathers were often required to change career, or families made to adopt another city.

Countries like New Zealand, with relatively ‘protected’ economies, had even more adjustments to make, so we ended up making sweeping changes, many with very short notice. As we struggled against the 1970s oil rises and 1987 share market crash, just as we now face the fallout from 2008, more families will feel the stress mount. Full time positions will become terminable contracts and overtime could be cut back at the mere hint of more recession.

Accordingly, there have been huge changes in parenting roles. A number of mothers now choose to parent on their own. Some fathers may be reluctant to fulfil their obligations, while many other Dads have become even more involved, sometimes taking over primary care or possibly as solo dads.

Between 1986 and 1996, for instance, NZ fathers who worked full time dropped from 91% to 82%, while part time working fathers increased to 15%.

Unlike mothers, largely supported by woman’s rights campaigners, the fathers experiencing change have muddled along, not making too much noise. Groups like Essentially Men and Man Alive, along with Father and Child Trust, have emerged to help fix a few of these gaps and fill the information voids.

With precious little official recognition, local groups have slowly but surely grown into the current nationwide network of organisations. In many ways, you could say kiwi men and fathers are now quite proactive and successful.

Recognising the shortage of mentors the likes of Big Buddy, Project K and Changeworks have emerged, providing part time paternal alternatives and focused weekend getaway camps, all of which are in demand and seem to work.

Over 60 boys and men enjoyed the Big Buddy Day Out late last year at the Parakai hot pools, especially proud that one of their crew is national boogie boarding champion, partly due to his ‘Buddy’ dad’s encouragement.

At the coal face, however, there is still enormous demand for capable males. Big Buddy is growing into Wellington and Christchurch, while Changeworks are actively recruiting and training facilitators for their Auckland support groups.

As highlighted by another Auckland young parents’ mentoring support group (recently launched in Ellerslie by Barnados) there is still a major shortage of mentors.

Many kiwi stepdads have no doubt played their part, forming relationships and supporting children ‘as their own’. Many times, the profound influence a male role model has on a child is how they expose the children to work.

Working on this article, during my regular Monday evening, radio in the background, I noticed a different young man’s voice introducing most of the songs. I rang to ask what the story was, it turned out that Pat the DJ had been kind enough to bring his step son in to work with him that night.

It was during the summer holidays, so a late night shouldn’t hurt the early teen. Pat had certainly wished he’d been taken into a radio studio as a child.

Pat has lived with his partner for over five years now, so he thinks now like a step dad.

Being a student radio station, the B also boast a free legal help line, Thursdays at 9am, advice provided by Geoff, a proud part time, at home dad and lawyer.

As a regular listener to the Sunday morning children’s show, I also know that host is a great communicator. As Sunday was always mum’s sleep in, ‘old style’ dads like me would avoid the TV at such an hour of the morning, while Bfm play old favourites like Flick The Little Fire Engine, Rocking rolling riding…

Not every employee gets to indulge in his childhood favourites, but I know one kiwi who has managed to resolve two lifelong dreams related to his upbringing.

Ian Baker left NZ in his early twenties to pursue a career as an airline pilot. He travelled until finding a flying job out of Adelaide and has been based around Australia ever since. Having lived in Darwin for the last ten or so years, he states, ‘Crocodiles on one side of the harbour, sharks on the other’. But his real loves, after his wonderful wife Tanya, are sea diving and his beautiful baby girl Caitlin.

As most roles he’d had in Australia involved overnight stays, he was very keen on a new Auckland based job. It had few overnight stays and potential for easy trips home when Tanya missed her Mum near Newcastle.

Ian’s former neighbours, Jim and Arlias McIntyre, were still in the area, keen to baby sit and help with temporary accommodation while he was moving back. Even his Australian employees seem to have caught the bug. They are bending rules and schedules to help Ian maintain his share of special time with Caitlin.

As Father and Child Trust ran an article on the ‘Flexible Working Arrangements’ legislation passed last year, it came as no surprise that we were contacted by Mindfood.com, an Australian website and magazine. Their approach was based on concerns in Australia that employees were being ‘anti-family’, or in a least two cases, much less than flexible in accommodating working parents.

One Perth primary school teacher was encouraged to leave his job after asking for special time out to care for a sick child in his sole care.

Is this a win over our arch neighbours? Are working parents actually treated better over here?
Do we really understand that it takes a whole community’s support to raise children? Does this translate to men as well as women?

Sue Kedgley, Green MP and architect of our Flexible Working Arrangements laws, admits that the concept originally came from England. ‘Changing from a ‘work to rule’ attitude to a more flexible approach changes the culture of the workplace. It brings more loyalty and focus, hopefully helping fathers and mothers to juggle the demands of paid work and parenting’.

We hope that after the belts are tightened, contracts reviewed and overtime set, employees ask their parent workers how they can help.

Surely, a fit and happy parent is a more motivated employee than any other, especially a keen father!

Next: Releasing The Woman In Your Daughter

Campaign Against Family Violence

The Families Commission is calling for a national campaign against family violence that would include asking parents to switch off violent television programmes. Chief Families Commissioner Dr. Rajen Prasad says the frequency of media violence, through television programmes, movies and computer games, is desensitising people of all ages to the effects of violence.

Speaking at the biggest ever domestic violence conference held recently in Auckland, Doctor Prasad said these attitudes to violence made it easier to justify behaving violently in real life. “What is needed is a sustained campaign that denounces violent attitudes and promoted the concept of strong, supportive relationships” he said.

The Families Commission is planning a study of people’s attitudes and behaviour towards family violence, with a view to changing people’s attitudes.

At the conference, the wider impact of television viewing was also on the agenda. British psychologist Doctor Aric Sigman proposed that parents place a total ban on children younger than three from watching television, and restrict older children to an hour a day.

Leaving the television on all the time was also considered to be particularly damaging.