The Family Court is being reviewed by the Ministry of Justice and a consultation paper is now out and open for public submissions. See here.

Make a real difference in the community by working for Father & Child. We’re looking for a well-organised all-rounder in Christchurch to fill this position, which coordinates our local activities. For full details see here

F&C manager Harald Breiding-Buss was on Radio NZ today (25 Nov), talking about parenting issues for separated fathers. See here for audio file.

Thank you to all who came to see us at the 2010 Auckland Parent & Child show. It was great to be able to meet and talk with you. We trust that you are finding the information helpful.

Thank you also to all those who entered the draw to win a dad pack of cap, T-shirt, frisbee, pen, key-ring and one year subscription to Father & Child magazine – New Zealand’s best father focused quarterly magazine.

The winner of the draw is

Noel Coward of Howick

and the runners up who each receive a free one year subscription to Father & Child magazine are

Shane Barnett of One Tree Hill

Paul Cleary of Pukekohe

David Blackaby of Epsom

Kirk Wedgwood of St Johns

But if you missed out and didn’t win don’t despair – you can still purchase dad gear and magazine subscriptions

Dads might run the danger of delayed ‘crashing’ after the Canterbury Earthquake. Many of the men we have seen at Chch Father & Child recently report high anxiety levels in their partners and their children, especially daughters. Dads have taken on the role of the stable ‘rock in the storm’ for their families as the ground continues to shake regularly at night.
Experience, for example with postnatal depression, shows that fathers cope very well while a crisis is going on, but ‘crash’ when things in the family overall are improving as they have been postponing their own dealing with the situation. This sometimes leads to quite severe depression. With nerves being frayed, there is also a danger that couples fight more.
A good technique is to ‘debrief’: Talk honestly and earnestly to a trusted friend about how it all was, or come to us and we’ll ‘debrief’ you. If you’re feeling stressed already, or are arguing a lot more with your partner, it also helps a lot to talk things through.
The Chch office is open 10-2 weekdays, or by appointment, 1/369 Hereford Street, 982-2440.
Harald Breiding-Buss, Father & Child General Manager.

Here in Auckland the close relationship we have developed with the Onehunga office of CYF is helping to ensure that dads get the recognition and support they deserve.

This is from an article by Janie Smith in the Auckland City Harbour News on 3rd September 2010:

CYF Onehunga site manager Barbara Thomson says fathers play an important role in their children’s lives that can sometimes be lost in times of strife.

“Where there’s a lot of anger and grief between parents, for the child that’s half their family. A child needs to have some contact with their dad or at least their dad’s family. Even if dad doesn’t live with the family, he still has things he needs to give to that child.”

She says even if the father can’t provide a positive role model for his children, it’s something his family can often do.

“Dads are important.”

010910 NEWS Photo: Jason Oxenham/Fairfax Media. The Onehunga branch of Child, Youth and Family is working closely with the Father and Child Trust to make sure fathers are supported and recognised. Brendon Smith(left) from Father and Child Trust and Barbara Thompon, CYF site manager.

Read the full article here:
Support for fathers in times of strife

Teen dads are probably the first fathers to ever be mentioned in a New Zealand budget. The government set aside $750,000 over four years to re-train the service sector to better include teen fathers in existing services for teen ‘parents’.

This is part of about $15 million in funding for teen parents over the next four years, which includes an increase in directly funded ‘teen parent service coordinator’ positions.

Other social initiatives include a ring-fenced family and community services fund, and a fund to make the social sector more efficient and work together better.

Looking for support from other fathers?

Looking to lend your support to other fathers?

Just want somewhere where you can grow in confidence in your role as a father?

Maybe you are looking for a male only environment where you can talk with other fathers?

Then our Fathers’ Mauri Ora Circle may be just what you are looking for

Meeting every Wednesday evening from 7:00 – 9:00 pm in the Community Office 3 at the Onehunga Community Centre , 83 Church Street, (next to the library) the Fathers’ Mauri Ora Circle, embodying the principles of emotional, physical, intellectual and spiritual wellbeing, is a safe place where together we can discuss any fathering issues and collectively strengthen our fathering abilities.
strong> Wednesday evenings – 7-9pm downstairs in Community Office 3 at the Onehunga Community Centre

Facilitated by our Support Worker, Brendon Smith, what is discussed is determined by those who are there. Recently we’ve talked about topics like

• the need to inform children as soon as possible in the event of a separation
• deciding on the best school for your child
• the role our dads play in modelling how we father our children
• what happens when your ex partner wants to move to another town with your child
• children and sport

to name just a few.

Children are welcome, though we do usually leave them in front of a TV with a tin of biscuits!

You are welcome to “just turn up” any Wednesday or if you would like more information feel free to call Brendon on 525 1690 or 022 697 7026 or email him at auckland@fatherandchild.org.nz

The funding support of the Maungakiekie and Tamaki Community Boards (Auckland City Council) is gratefully acknowledged.

Recent discussion topics

Opinion: Protecting The Fathers

By Murray Bacon

Fathers are invincible, right? Many Kiwi kids have been raised on stories of Anzac heroes, All Blacks playing with gruesome injuries, or maybe Captain Falcon Scott’s stoic friend Captain Oates, saying “I’m going outside – I may be a while”.

Do we still need to make children this tough, in our time? Will this actually prepare them properly for their futures? Do these protectors ever need our protection?

Many soldiers returned from WW1 or WW2 with their emotions frozen, having witnessed or participated in brutal engagements.They found that friends or family didn’t find it easy to listen about their experiences.

While the soldiers needed a safe debrief, guilt or a lack of appreciation for the horrors of warfare obstructed many others from helping them.

They said real men don’t talk about the war, but we knew, they didn’t want to listen anyway. They were too proud to listen to what they’d put us through and it was too far away from where they lived.” Tough, they may have seemed, but more than a few of those old soldiers passed away in “unexplained circumstances”.

About 550 New Zealanders end their own lives every year, according to statistics. If we count that some “unexplained accidents” are variations on suicide, the figure may be higher still. Suicide, however, seems even more preventable than car or industrial accidents.

With the benefit of hindsight, the signs are often there for us to see, however, the warnings happen in hundreds of situations, where it never comes to a tragedy.

The no-warning attack, the futility, the needless destruction, the ineffectiveness of any remedy, can all help to drive those who are left-behind crazy. To most, the attack comes from an unexpected direction – an unknown enemy within. Many had honest faith in the strength, the resilience and the wisdom of their child, friend, or adult who had seemed ‘OK’ for quite a while….

Most of us probably know of someone who has taken their own life, though they may not have been close. When close, often the fact of suicide isn’t admitted to friends or workmates, this too is hidden.

Post Natal Depression is not an easy topic for women. It occurs in such a wide range of degrees, from mild or fatigued to actually scary, so no mother wants to be tarred with such a brush. This may lead to denial or hiding and contributes to tension.

Fathers who may have been looking forward to the ‘happy families’ period after a long or difficult pregnancy are often flummoxed.

If they have reduced contact with friends or family during this period, they may have relied on their partner for a listening ear.

If their partner is pretending all is OK the father may feel completely alone and become depressed. It is estimated that for every two PND– affected mothers there is also a clinically depressed father.

To complicate matters further, there is a large increase in suicide risk during the year after separation.

When couples do not separate amicably, there is possibly interference in the children’s relationship with the father, sometimes for disputed reasons or, to the effected party, unfair accusations.

In modern days, after decades of relative peace, our real life ordeals may pale in significance. Betrayal by a spouse or loss of a family member may not be totally unexpected.

Sickness and disease can be arbitrary murderers, support groups are almost mandatory, while victims of violence or car crashes need all the help we can muster.

To many men, however, just being blocked from contact with their children can be the most traumatic and frightening time of their lives.

If their separation was a surprise, via abduction or as part of a protection order, there may be unresolved emotions, separation anxiety and irrational, impulsive thoughts.

If the situation is compounded by being let down by authorities, in whom he thought he could trust, it may seem even more gut wrenching. In these states, men are often their own worst enemies, not reacting properly or feeling betrayed.

Certain men run from situations, some of them to escape responsibility for their children, but more are blocked, possibly without any good reason, from taking care of their own children. These situations are probably also kept silent, so work or social pretences can be maintained.

Are we sensitive to men being barred from fathering? Do we understand the consequences of unfair separation on both children and fathers? What can we do?

Industrial accidents kill about 100 men per year. A major effort has been made recently to reduce this needless toll. Car accidents carry away about 500 people per year.

We have eventually brought this toll down, to the lowest in fifty years, partly by instilling responsible behaviour into our drivers.

Of fathers experiencing unexpected loss of the children: 30% consider suicide.

The completed suicide rate also jumps higher for those who have experienced loss or interference with their own parental relationships when they were a child, or if the mother of the children has experienced separation anxiety.

These anxieties are sometimes fuelled through adoption or abortion.

This ‘separation anxiety’ drives impulsivity in general, more sharply when long term loss of children is involved (the biggest part of our reason for living) and the effects can become permanent.

Near great strength, there can be weaknesses. The Tacoma Falls (USA) Suspension Bridge had a very long span, supported by the strongest available steel suspension cables. The bridge could have withstood storms, but did not manage breezes at a particular, vulnerable speed.

Just before it’s opening, it was destroyed by gentle breezes, that generated standing waves. Despite the strength, the waves just built up, until the bridge was destroyed.

When our children are small, we can plant the seeds of resilience, let them know about the knocks in our life and how hard they can hit, but that it is OK to ask for help or support.

Letting our children see us asking for help goes a long way to enable them to seek help, if they ever need it sometime.

Next: Commission Without Clout?

New Book for Dads Launched

A new book is available for first-time fathers looking for information on the first year of their baby.

The ‘manual’ was written by three Wellington dads, who set up the web site ‘DIY Father’ in 2006 and did some fulltime baby caring themselves.

Meanwhile Father & Child’s publication New Babies Edition, which is being distributed for free in hospitals in the three main centres, is at risk of being discontinued as some major community funders the publication depends on had to absorb heavy losses from their investments.