Dan Brown, a young father being supported by the Father & Child Trust, was interviewed on TV3 about the new “In Your Hands” DVD produced by Great Fathers.

Daniel Brown TV3 13th July 2010

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A Father & Child survey of 124 dads attending the Waitakere City Toddler Day Out this year, found that a majority felt their needs as a dad are well catered for in Waitakere City.

However, only half said that they’d had face-to-face contact with a Well Child Health provider, such as Plunket. Home-based Well Child Health services are available to all babies and their parents.

More than three quarters of dads felt Waitakere supported early parenting and families well, but only 57% thought new dads were well supported. Even fewer thought the city did well for separated or solo dads.

Fathers with an only child under one felt especially frustrated with a lack of inclusion, and rated support for families much higher than support for dads. They were clearly appreciative of what is being done to keep baby healthy and put families on track, but about half of these dads appeared to have been effectively kept out of the loop by the agencies involved.

It seems that although family service providers may be more aware of fathers and their important contribution to child development, they still do not make enough effort to meet with them and engage them.

There were some signs that this had improved over recent years. A father with a child under one was almost twice as likely to report having had face-to-face contact with a Well Child Health provider than a father with a child aged three or over.

The survey highlighted the importance of that face-to-face contact. Fathers who had such contact with some of the leading agencies generally felt much better supported than their peers who had not, and seem to have generally better access to information.

Dads who engaged with Playcentres stood out as being significantly happier with their support as a dad, and 73% of them said they feel encouraged to participate in their child’s early education.

Perhaps surprisingly, separated fathers felt better supported than those living with the mother of the child. Only 30% thought they were not supported as new dads, 10% felt families are not supported, 11% thought there are not enough fun events for dads and kids and only 9% thought there is not enough information about early parenting – the lowest rates for any group analysed.

Of the partnered fathers, 44% felt unsupported as new dads, 21% felt families are not supported, 33% would like more fun events and 26% could do with more early parenting information.

Survey conducted by Father and Child Trust at Violence Free Waitakere’s Toddler Day Out, in collaboration with Geoff Bridgeman and with support from Glen Jones.

Full report here (pdf)

Join us for any father related issues or support…
Wednesdays, 7.30pm, Onehunga Community Centre, 83 Church Street, next to the library.

Every Wednesday we welcome all to our Mauri Ora Fathers Circle. We aim to provide a safe place for any fathering issues and strengthen our collective fathering abilities.

We hope to see a few new faces, any local fathering advocates or dads who are keen to contribute to the new Auckland committee. Children are welcome, though we do usually leave them in front of a TV with a tin of biscuits!

The funding support of the Maungakiekie Community Board (Auckland City Council) is gratefully acknowledged.

Recent Topics Discussed

27/11/09

We talked about the need to inform children, as soon as possible in the event of a separation. This may seem hard, because you don’t want to admit it’s the end, of face it, and the children may have a half an idea something’s up, so it pays to ease the tension, see if they have any questions, if it comes as a shock to the children, that’s no good. One of us ensured us that despite his parents splitting up, when he was around 10, his father always talked to him, kept to his word and made heaps of time for his son, plus how children need to know both parents still love them. We suggested that the ‘announcement’ of the separation, should be pre-planned, in a calm time and place, by the parents, including most of what is to be said. The children need to know they have a say if they need, and that the positive, ‘two homes now’ angle can help. Someone said it’s hard when ‘ideals’ or dreams are broken, someone else said you have to break eggs to make omelette. One of us said it pays to be sure you are safe, and that the relationship you have with your children is safe, especially the lines of communication with and about them, even if that means you have to move out or put up with other things. One of us said how he had agonised over his recent leaving, but talked to his daughter carefully, maintains heaps of time, and now has a good arrangement with her and the mother. One of us has just got his same child out of starship, again, now on new medication, but certainly better than last week!
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17/09/09

One of us has changed schools for an early teenage daughter. This was a tough decision as they had been in a new, local school, it was a forward thinking school with no PE, community projects etc, but their child was quite academic, didn’t seem to be getting enough stimulation or challenge, has moved to school further away, Dad is now taxi man too, but it seems worthwhile so far. One of us knows a ‘Rigger’ who has travelled the world, working on high rise building projects and wants to introduce this sort of trade training in to NZ schools. We all lamented the lack of woodwork/metalwork/home economics nowadays. One of us had children in trouble at school recently, followed mates to shops instead of school, one of them was caught shoplifting, not the first time. We understand that kids get distracted, we only hope that they learn these lessons while they’re young and what is right and wrong. We appreciated the influence of sport on our children, especially once they take it seriously, opportunities for travel and professional careers are fantastic, but they need to learn about life balance too especially the prospect of injuries, or depression if the career path does not eventuate. We talked about how it is true that it takes a community to raise good children, but that is not always all that’s needed, in some cases that implies that the parents are excused, in reality the parents are vital and mustn’t neglect kids. One of us, caught between his children and a wife who wants to move to Nelson to be nearer her family, was reminded that there is free counselling and mediation available from the Family Court, if they had not already… These sessions apparently start with separate interviews, then they see each couple together, hoping to avoid court, plus that if you get a good mediator/counsellor, it’s great! We talked about how it is normal for relationships to go up and down, especially around childbirth. Fathers need to be sensitive to the changes mothers go through. We also talked about the agony of knowing that if you leave, or your children are led to believe that’s what happened, it can leave a bad memory or cause trouble later.
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11/07/09

We talked about our mission, and we tried a few words together, please comment on the above text and introduction statement. We talked about how we never want to fight over access issues, the last thing we want to fight over is our children, and the last person we want to fight with is usually their mother, but… We talked about the story of king soloman, when two women fought over a baby, he asked ‘Should I cut this baby in half?’ one woman cried ‘No, I’ll give up the baby if you will do that’ so he then gave this woman the baby… Whether we are resigned to engaging in any battles, we should try to do some things that transcend the fight. ie, write the kids a letter, saying, I don’t like fighting over this, I want to spend quality time with you, and I always will, etc Don’t get too engaged in the fight and lose sight of the need to enjoy and be happy with your children, to be right is not always as important as to be happy, esp. for your kids. We talked about how some dreams require a sacrifice, but never give up wanting to be the best dad we can, and that we should always look for the silver linings. One challenged us all to answer, ‘If we asked our kids, what would they say about how, we loved them’ with some of our children witnessing the answers, we all enjoyed another positive connection. This Week’s News: Men’s Group – a movie was previewed at the Rialto in NZ on Monday, this Melbourne based tragedy was filmed entirely with first takes, so it grabs the audience and takes them for an emotional journey.. join the guys in their safe place, hear their stories, see their lives. Highly recommended and hopefully rolling out near you soon! (Watch this space for future screening info.) Epsom Library are continuing their monthly session of ‘PlayDads’ stories with action and movement, with the next one at on April 4th, Starting at 9am for children up to around 2 yrs old, and their dads! Man Alive are offering a new Men in Relationships programme in Henderson starting on Tue. 7th April, a 12 week course for any men who want to work on relationship issues, any questions contact, chris.mullins@manalive.org.nz ________________________________________

12/05/09

We heard about how the new Movie – Men’s Group, sees a few relative strangers come together, develop respect, become mates, care for each other and explore many of ‘those unspoken things’, as they struggled to communicate their feelings. One guy usually had a little tipple, before each meeting in his car… We talked of how mainly guys, use alcohol or drugs to cope, how this is never a solution, it usually ends up in misery, one of us has been through the rehab and knows now. One of us has a child just out of starship, two weeks in, now at home on medication, a bit of a tie but that’s being a dad, they quickly make you realise what your precious treasure is. One of us had ‘return business’ from 5 old work contacts recently, and realised that he had had good relationships, as well as good business with those customers, which is good..! We talked about listening and making new members feel welcome. *We were asked if we knew ‘the three most difficult things to say’ 3. I love you 2. I’m sorry 1. I need help We talked about respect and accommodating both cultural and parenting or even personal situations. How only one person should speak at a time we should not swear at, put down or make fun of each other, be positive. One of us went to see his dad (86) at a family farewell and realised that, at some stage soon, he will feel more like a father to his dad, as he looks after him, or takes over some of his health and wellbeing.
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Join us for any father related issues or support…
Wednesdays, 7.30pm, Onehunga Community Centre, 83 Church Street, next to the library.

Parenting: Babies and Movement

by Harald Breiding-Buss

Compared to all other mammals, human babies are exceptionally underdeveloped and helpless—so much so that it seems amazing that the human species has survived at all, what with our low reproduction rate and the kind of effort required to raise a child to maturity. There must be a pretty strong biological advantage that outweighs those drawbacks.

That advantage is the human propensity to learn, which is strongest in babies and toddlers. It is our underdeveloped brain at birth that gives us the ability to grow into the most diverse natural and social environments; no other mammal species managed to spread around the whole world on its own volition, being able to manage to survive in almost every ecosystem.

Babies are wired to learn about the environment they are being born into, and it is the parents who are doing the teaching, most of it without realising it.

The key to early learning is movement. Movement triggers those all-important brain connections, and it has a lot of more obvious effects as well: a baby that can move around can explore their environment much better than one that can’t, learning in the process. And it is the fine motor skills in baby’s hands that let them explore and manipulate objects.

But babies are born with neither the ability to move around or to hold an object in their hands, so the exposure to opportunities to move around, and things to explore, has a lot to do with how ‘natural’ you are with those physical skills for the rest of your life, and what your problem-solving abilities are going to look like.

A whole small industry has sprung up around baby movement. I remember taking my children to ‘kindy gym’ for 2-4 year olds, where they basically set up a little obstacle course with tunnels to crawl through and low benches to jump off from (remember the ‘motorbike landing’?). One theory holds that crawling is essential to make connections between the two hemispheres of the brain, and they advocate that babies crawl for at least 3,000 hours in total before moving on to walking.

All that creates quite a bit of performance pressure: A colleague once broke out into tears at a baby movement seminar after confessing that her kids had been ‘bum-shufflers’. Therefore, the Early Childhood Development experts with the Ministry of Education warn against ‘forced development’, ie pushing your baby beyond what they are ready for. At least one of them is highly skeptical even of the now widely promoted ‘tummy time’, believing this is not a natural position for babies to be in.
One thing is certain, however: whatever you do or don’t do has a very big impact on that ballooning brain of your baby. Getting conflicting advice in this area simply makes decision-making all the more nerve-racking.

For an average middle-class family there is very little danger of physically over-extending your baby. The opposite is generally the problem: babies are surrounded by toys within arms reach, providing little motivation to reach out further. There are baby rockers and other devices that will keep baby comfortable in a largely stationery position. Much of that has to do with attempting to keep the baby safe—it’s that very drive to learn and explore that causes a lot of accidents. So parents are told that unless you can give junior your full and undivided attention, baby needs to be put somewhere safe—and constricted.

Babies and toddlers are also often not given a suitable range of things to explore: toys for littlies tend to be made of plastic because of baby’s propensity to suck on everything they can get their hands on, but plastic is the material you are using least often to build or manipulate things with later in life. Plastic is hygienic—but otherwise pretty useless.

One of the advantages in helping babies and toddlers to build their physical skills is that it is so much fun for everyone involved. You’ll get lots of laughs and giggles when you play-fight, jump, roll on the floor or walk backwards together. It’s quality time at its best and can make for an excellent distraction tool as well for those times of the day when junior seems a bit grumpier.

In a lot of more working class families babies are stimulated far more and, generally, have more rapidly initial development. There is a lot more coming and going in those households, more men as well as women interacting with baby, fewer toys and gadgets and also usually less focus on safety. That exposes the youngsters to more risks, but also vastly increases their range of experiences.

One of the drawbacks of growing up in a busier environment like this is a much shorter attention span, which in our world is the biggest stumbling block to a decent career and gets you into all sorts of trouble. The key here is one-on-one time, with no radio or TV, where baby has the parents’ full attention for at least 15 minutes (more when older) at a time, and preferably several times a day.

So what about those ‘music and movement’, ’baby yoga’ and other classes. Do they deliver what they promise?

Probably not unless they complement what you are doing at home anyway. It is exceptionally difficult to try and bring out skills in your child that are not otherwise a part of your life, unless you consciously work on it several times every day. You are most likely to succeed if you do something that you yourself enjoy very much, because then it will become part of your daily life.

Next: Taking on Government Departments

Fathers are called on to participate in a study on their experiences of a difficult birth of their baby. See here for more info.

Radio NZ National’s 9 to noon programme helped Father & Child Trust raise awareness for postnatal depression in men.

Father and Child Auckland Coordinator Brendon Smith and Wellington-based Board member and GP Mark Stephenson featured in a 20-minute segment on the topic, in which both the personal and the clinical aspects of the illness were discussed.
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The Plunket Society is trialing a new parenting course for fathers called ‘Dads4Dads’, with an eye to rolling it out nationwide through Plunket. Project leader Claire Rumble says that in principle she prefers courses where both parents can participate jointly, but some of their solo fathers have indicated that having a specific course for dads would be more useful.

Initial facilitators for the course trial include stay-home dad Scott Lancaster, who manages the DIYFather web site www.diyfather.com.

A draft strategy produced by the National Breastfeeding Advisory Committee for the Director-General of Health makes no mention of fathers. (more…)

Forget about advice booklets on how to be a good dad. For the first time NZ dads celebrating the birth of a new baby will be greeted and acknowledged at the hospital by a resource produced by other fathers.
Father & Child brings you the New Babies Edition, free of charge, through the Bounty Birth Pack in hospitals in Christchurch, Auckland and Wellington!
The mag is in typical Father & Child style: a mix of factual articles and first-hand stories, although the latter provide the bulk for this special edition. What’s it like to be a new dad? To add a new baby to the family? Or to start a second family? Are dads still expected to be main providers? Fathers talk about these unique experiences and describe that unique mix of joy, wonder and worries.
The design is sponsored by Christchurch-based Strategy Advertising and Design, an award-winning firm considered to be a leader in the design market. This first issue was made possible by donations from the Canterbury Community Trust, ASB Community Trust and the Lion Foundation.
This first issue has a print run of 15,000 copies, which is expected to last 6 months at current birth rates. The Trust aims to make this publication ongoing and nationwide. For this, advertising support will be needed.

The Father & Child project to establish an ongoing ‘New Dads Edition’ of Father & Child magazine has come closer to realisation after a significant funding boost from the Canterbury Community Trust as well as support from the Lion Foundation.
Other funders have also been approached to support seed funding for a special edition of Father & Child whicht will be distributed through the ‘Bounty Birth Pack’ to hospitals nationwide.
Eventually the publication, aimed to have 52 full-colour pages, is to become self-funding largely through advertising. It will cover issues and stories around childbirth and the early months from a father’s point of view.
Father & Child Trust had produced a New Dads Edition in 2000, which was distributed through Canterbury only and could not be sustained as an ongoing publication at the time.