Mum’s Role, Dad’s Role – What to Expect

First-time parents will nearly always come to the conclusion that the roles these days have become interchangeable and should not differ much, except perhaps during the period of breastfeeding or while baby is too little for mum to return to work.

Parents of consecutive children tend to take a slightly different view as they often have experienced actual differences in their roles. The fathers especially tend to come up with more specific “dad” things. They may have discovered, for example, that their children will put up less resistance to dad’s attempts at disciplining than to mum’s, or that they tend to challenge their children more than mum does.

These views will normally be challenged by the mums when the group comes back together, but different groups can come to quite different conclusions. There are no rights or wrongs and every approach has its rewards and pitfalls. The facilitator’s job is to point those out in each case rather than recommending specific parenting models.

When the mothers’ and the fathers’ lists differ

Different expectations on each other’s roles are a major fault line in a relationship and should be addressed by the facilitator. Fathers may have an expectation of equal roles, while mothers have an expectation of equal duties. Mothers may expect to be the main caregivers and decision makers but expect their partners to equally share housework and baby duties as well as providing the mother with support. It is not uncommon for the lists to show “supporting mum” under “Dad’s Role” without the equivalent “supporting dad” under “Mum’s Role”, or only added as an afterthought.

The issue is not how the roles are actually divided, but the different expectations on this division. There is nothing wrong with a primary caregiver vs support person set-up, if this is what both parents expect. But if fathers’ expectation to be equally involved is frequently frustrated, they may withdraw, for example by working longer hours or making themselves rare around the house (this is often misinterpreted by mothers of young children as “the novelty has worn off” for dad). This is in direct conflict with the mother’s expectation of the father as her main support person.

Conflict can also arise in the opposite event, when the father expects himself to take a secondary role in parenting, but mum believes him to be equally important. While for him it may be “natural” that mum is the “primary caregiver” this will look to her as a lack of interest by her partner in his children, and she is more likely to perceive the mother’s role as a burden. If expectations are not in accordance, good communication skills are especially important and the couple should be encouraged to find a compromise acceptable to both.

Division in the fathers’ group

There may be considerable variety in opinions, most commonly along the lines of “nature vs nurture”. In almost every group you will have at least one couple who has firm or vague plans to swap roles after a certain period. These fathers will normally be the ones who believe in little innate differences between the genders and who stress the nurturing aspects of a father’s relationship with his children.

In a discussion that focuses a lot on differences between the roles, these fathers may feel sidelined, even though this session has special importance to them. Make sure that all points made in the group are represented on the list, regardless of whether there is agreement about them. If you find that some fathers become more silent after initially participating well in the discussion, ask them directly on their opinions about the issue discussed.