Ron Thow is the father of 11 year old Ben. He has a research interest in family and developmental psychology.

Parents are the first and, hopefully, best role models for their children. This, of course, means that we can’t always get away with just telling our children what to do—especially if we are doing something different.

Younger children especially tend to see the world in black and white, right and wrong. It isn’t until they are much older that they begin to realise that there are shades of grey in the middle as well.

So, if we as parents are to help our children to become the best versions of themselves that they can be we have to walk the walk as well as talk the talk. The foods we eat, the exercise we get or how we interact with others—showing appropriate manners and respect—all of these things are important and our children’s behaviour will generally reflect on our own.

But before you decide that you have been sentenced to a life of perfect behaviour so that your children will be good adults, parents are not the only role models that children take heed of.

Children will find a range of role models in a wide variety of places, from the fictional on television and in books, to sporting icons, teachers, friends and other family members.

One of the most important skills that you can help your children to develop is that of evaluating potential role models.

Collectively these people are known as ‘heroic’ role models. They are people that others look up to, aspire to be like and want to copy. In NZ this especially means sports stars and celebrities.

The heroic role model is a very powerful icon and this can be a huge benefit when they model pro-social behaviours, but an equally big problem if the modelin question is involved in negative or anti-social behaviour.

These role models are the mainstay of the advertising industry—after all, if Sarah Ullmer eats McDonalds then it can’t be ‘junk’, can it? Which means that the perception of them can be distorted in various ways.

This distortion can result in unrealistic expectations for the child who wants to emulate them. The cool loner hero who breaks the rules and gets the mission accomplished is fine as a fictional movie character, but generally wouldn’t last long in the real world.

So, teaching your children to make judgments about their heroes is very important. All sorts of things stem from that skill.

The ability to learn from others’ mistakes or copy others’ successes, creating self-respect and respect for others, and identifying societal expectations and norms, to name a few. So how do we foster critical thinking about potential role models?

Expose your children to a variety of role models. Don’t just rely on television or sports. In this way they begin to learn that different people have different things to offer, different skills or perspectives and that it is okay that one approach to problem-solving doesn’t fix every situation.

Talk to them about people that they see in daily life, their teachers, friends or family for instance, and ask questions. Asking them if they think that the actions or behaviour of someone else was appropriate, right or wrong in a given situation will start to build the foundation for critical thinking and decision-making about your child’s own behaviour.

Point out when you have made an error. If you demonstrate that errors are just part of being human and that how you deal with them is important you foster the child’s taking personal responsibility for their mistakes. This is an important part of developing confidence, assertive behaviour, and a healthy self-image.

Encourage children to reach for role models that will stretch them in life. Getting your children to strive for their own goals is much more positive than simply pushing them.

They are more likely to achieve more of their potential if they are in the driver’s seat and you are the co-pilot than if the positions are reversed.

But whatever other role models your child finds, try to be the best one that you can be.

Inland Revenue is inviting submissions on a proposal by United Future on how to administer a potential Income Splitting system. Income Splitting means that a couple (only parents under the proposal) is treated as a tax unit rather than two individuals, and each parent is taxed on half of their combined income. (more…)

Recent research shows that dads need to be more included in family services says Families Commissioner Gregory Fortuin. (more…)

Father & Child was involved in some of the most prominent media coverage about the Families Commission’s proposal for four weeks paid paternity leave.
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Families Commission research released today Heart and Head, showed that 60% of fathers think the media portrayed them in a poor light, and half thought that society overall does not recognise their importance.
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The Families Commission is calling for four weeks paid leave for fathers with today’s release of their father research report. The report showed that fathers are asking for more time with their children. (more…)

We talked about the need to inform children, as soon as possible in the event of a separation. This may seem hard, because you don’t want to admit it’s the end, of face it, and the children may have a half an idea something’s up, so it pays to ease the tension, see if they have any questions, if it comes as a shock to the children, that’s no good.

One of us asssured us that despite his parents splitting up, when he was around 10, his father always talked to him, kept to his word and made heaps of time for his son, plus how children need to know both parents still love them.

We suggested that the ‘announcement’ of the separation, should be pre-planned, in a calm time and place, by the parents, including most of what is to be said. The children need to know they have a say if they need, and that the positive, ‘two homes now’ angle can help.

Someone said it’s hard when ‘ideals’ or dreams are broken, someone else said you have to break eggs to make omelette. One of us said it pays to be sure you are safe, and that the relationship you have with your children is safe, especially the lines of communication with and about them, even if that means you have to move out or put up with other things.

One of us said how he had agonised over his recent leaving, but talked to his daughter carefully, maintains heaps of time, and now has a good arrangement with her and the mother.

One of us has just got his same child out of starship, again, now on new medication, but certainly better than last week!

Christchurch Father & Child Trust looks to employ two young people (under 25) on the Unemployment Benefit under the government’s Community Max scheme. Both positions are for 30 hours a week.

The Information Officer position involves IT work with our web site and Father & Child magazine.

The second position is for our research on solo fathers.

A position will also become available in Auckland in the near future around our New Babies Edition publication.

This year, in a special gesture to the community spirit in Mangere, the launch of Teal Ribbon week was held at the Mangere Mall and featured Dr Pita Sharples, the Hon.

Paula Bennett and Local MP Sua William Sio, with effervescent Mayor Len Brown.

He emphasized that the Teal Ribbon campaign covers all types of Violence from Family Violence, Child Abuse, Partner Abuse and Elder Abuse by connecting families with their own local services.

Launched in 2007 by the South Auckland Family Violence Protection Network (SAFVPN), the Teal Ribbon campaign says ‘Choose to be Violence free.

It promotes family wellness, helping families or couples to operate in health ways, to work with their kids, make long-term changes and not just stop things but start something else and make it grow.

In contrast the ‘White Ribbon’ campaign sponsored by several government agencies is only concerned with violence by men against their female partners.

SAFVPN work with 160-plus local community groups in twelve districts from Botany to Pukekohe and they are desperately short of support groups to work with men. “The number of services available to work with men is almost zilch. There’s a big gap in services, not just here in Counties Manukau.”