Father & Child is increasingly becoming aware of (separated) parents who leave Christchurch with their children without consulting the other parent.
In many cases Parenting Orders made by the Family Court specify that children cannot be taken out of the region without consulting the other parent. Once out of the city the children will be deprived of their time with the parent staying behind, which they are entitled to under a Parenting Order.
Father & Child advises that the current State of Emergency does not invalidate Family Court Orders, and parents must continue to adhere to them unless both agree that it is in the best interest of the child not to. Where the living situation has become unsafe for one parent, children should in the first instance be taken to other legal guardians, generally the other parent.
Maintaining the established routine of how care is shared between two separated parents is also an important part in restoring a sense of normality for children, and a move out of town and away from one parent may, in fact, further increase anxieties and feelings of insecurity.

It is good to be able to work for father and child here in Wellington. Personally, Father and Child will bring much needed help for men in general and especially young men with children.

Exciting times are ahead and I am glad I’ll be along for the journey.

Cheers Q.

Father & Child’s new (and first) Wellington Coordinator is Quentin Solomon. Quentin has 3 children aged 1-9 and comes with a background in youth, sports and Maori health. Give him a ring and say hello on (04) 909 7294.

Stories start trickling in here about fathers being the rock to lean on for the rest of the family in these times.

Especially if you live in the east of Christchurch you’re likely to have done things like shoveling plenty of mud, secured what’s left of the chimney, built some kind of ‘toilet’, organised the hardware to get you through and many of you will work long hours in the effort to restore services to the city. But most of all, in amongst all that, you probably made sure you appeared calm and were ready to comfort partner and/or children.

Please accept a huge pat on the back for this from us.

At the same time we know that the crash is going to come for many dads as their own anxieties stay bottled up while they are needed. This is a well-known reaction for dads, most often seen where men have partners suffering from postnatal depression: as their partners recover the dads start to dip. This is not merely an ‘adrenalin hangover’ and often leads to severe depression.

If you feel overwhelmed, overtired, or very anxious especially after an aftershock, but don’t want to show your own worry to your own family, feel free to talk to us. Talking about your true feelings now will at least soften, possibly even prevent the crash later.

It is possible that we can do even more for you, but talking really is very important right now.

Please, take care of yourselves.

Harald Breiding-Buss
General Manager
Father & Child Trust

Staff have returned to work today at the Christchurch office, and we have begun checking on our high-priority families as well as contacting our community partners. However, most community groups appear closed. We have offered our help to those coordinating the community response to the quake.
Although we plan to be fully open again from next week, staff may be assigned to other priorities in the overall community response in Christchurch.

The Christchurch Father & Child office has taken no substantial damage, and all services have been restored yesterday morning (Friday). The immediate surroundings of the office have suffered no severe damage.
The physical office at 369 Hereford Street will remain closed until Monday 7 March, however staff will start working remotely from Monday 28 February although initially with reduced hours to give us the time we need to look after our families. Phone messages will be checked throughout the week.

The Christchurch Father & Child office will stay closed until at least Monday 28 Feb, depending on whether power will be restored until then and what travel restrictions may still be in place. Drop-in hours will not resume before 7 March at the earliest.
While the quake brought down bookshelves and computer screens, the building and contents seem okay, and it is located outside the CBD cordon. Three of the four Christchurch-based staff were in the office at the time, and all four and their families are (physically) unharmed. We hope the same is true for all our volunteers, friends, supporters and the families we work with. Harald

Our Coordinator in Auckland, Peter Benzie, is resigning from his job, as his other commitments have grown. We’re extremely sad to see him go, and he’ll be a hard act to follow.

The position is advertised and applications close 4 March.

Harald Breiding-Buss talks to two dads whose sons became teenage fathers.

Becoming a granddad is a mixed blessing for many. Sure, there is the certainty that the line is being continued for another generation and the thought that your own hard work in raising your children hasn’t been completely in vain.

But aren’t granddads the guys who always drive painfully slow in front of you, bore the whole family with stories from the good old days and are on their third set of teeth? Am I really old enough to be a granddad?

For some, becoming a granddad comes at a time when they are still in the middle of parenting through one of the more demanding times in a child’s life: the teenage years. While exploring sex sonny has been caught out by carelessness or lax contraception. The girlfriend is pregnant and decides to have the child.

So no weekend visits to the budding family after which granddad can go back home and busy himself with his stamp collection from World War II. This time it’s all going to happen right under his nose.

I spoke to two such granddads about what influence they thought they had when it all happened, and whether they thought they made any difference in their sons’ ongoing parenting efforts. One of them is Jeff Cairns, whose son Jordan had his first child at the tender age of 15.

The other would prefer to remain anonymous, and will be called Mark here, with son Tony, who had his child at 18.

The news didn’t come easy to either of them. Both say they were ‘horrified’ on hearing about the pregnancy, and in Mark’s case it wasn’t even his son who told him – friends of the girlfriend phoned with the news.

“We would have preferred our kids to go down the traditional path of engagement, wedding, babies”, says Mark. ”At that stage neither of our kids seemed to be anywhere near a long-term relationship so this came out of left field.”

Some thinking had to be done. What to do with this one? “Being his father took over for me”, says Jeff, “I was trying to be supportive although I was a bit disappointed.” Nevertheless: “Had it happened any later, I would have been too old to enjoy it…”.

For Mark and wife it was all about the baby: “We were somewhat concerned by stories you hear where parents of the father in situations like this don’t have a relationship with the grandchildren.

Given the opportunity, my wife and I decided we were going to be very supportive of, and involved, with Alison [the mother] and the baby, no matter where their relationship went. We were pro-active in developing a relationship with Alison during the pregnancy independent of our son.”

Modern parents are often determined not to let their parenting be influenced too much by the old ways of their own parents, and grandparents often recognise that they have to take a step back, even if watching can be painful at times.

But with 15, or even 18, you’re still actively parenting yourself, setting your limits and boundaries. Jeff says ‘We’re still going through authority-challenging behaviour [but] I’m still [Jordon’s] father.

He has to toe the line’ but in the same breath emphasises his supportiveness of the situation. He especially helped his son “to assert himself as a father and not be trucked over.” So far, according to Jeff, there have been no complaints.

Mark is less sure. Somewhat further down the line in becoming independent, Tony refused to be ‘preached’ to. “I still think it’s pretty difficult to assess what influences I’ve had.’ he says.

“We try to lead by example because I don’t think he’s open to ‘preaching’ even if it is a casual discussion! The invitation to contribute to this article was met with a firm refusal!

“[..]We knew we wanted to make sure we were there to help not to interfere – its more a ‘have you thought of’ suggestion(s) – keeping it low key.”

Both are slow to take any credit for the positive picture of their sons’ parenting they both paint. Jeff feels ‘very proud’ of Jordan after initially having been astonished how well he coped. Mark says “Generally, I’m pretty pleased with the way in which [Tony] deals with issues.

I guess we all learn best by watching others though – little about parenting comes naturally. I usually compliment him on that when I see it. I don’ t think I was that good with him when he was that age.”
And both granddads have the same message for their sons: invest the time! Jeff had at times been Jordon’s primary caregiver, but Mark has some regrets.

In his opinion, Tony could spend even more time with his daughter – and not so much on gaming… “In my [own] case as a youngish father, having two jobs, serving on a number of committees and involvements, my own interests reduced the amount of time that I was able to give my children.

To quote a tired cliché, “You don’t get a second chance at this.”

We’ve just received word that our application for $25,000 to MSD’s Community Response Fund for Auckland has been successful. The $25,000 grant recognises the importance of our work and the increased demand we are experiencing in Auckland.