Parenting One Each – Single-Handedly
Solo dad Craig Slight talks about the advantages and disadvantaged of having a boy and a girl.
For the last 4 years I have been the sole parent to my two children, parent to my two children, Lachlan, aged 11, and Maggie, 9.
This was not a scenario I could have imagined at the beginning of 2005, but who can predict where one’s life will go?
At the beginning of that year I had seen them for less than seven hours over several years, mainly due to great difficulties I had with their mother, who had full custody at the time.
Due to Child Youth and Family seeing ongoing care and protection issues I became the children’s custodial parent and have been doing this full time since August 2005.
When they first came, as one would expect, they were extremely quiet and shy in a new, unfamiliar place. I remember Maggie used to say she loved me “that much” as she lifted her wee thumb and forefinger about 1cm apart.
She now gives me lots of impromptu hugs, curls up beside me or dumps herself on my lap watching TV. She even gives me notes saying “ I love you Daddy” so I guess I must have done something right in the last few years. She also worries about me dying ( I had Leukaemia diagnosed in 1999 – but had a bone marrow transplant the same year and am in good health now).
Lachlan is not quite so emotional or tactile as his sister, but is a very sensitive boy and likes a hug at bedtime. He naturally gets upset if Maggie gets more attention than him.
This is a common problem for all parents I think – trying to get the balance and not showing favouritism with one child over another— they can so easily feel rejected at not loved.
I learned that if you give one a piggyback around the house you had better be sure you have enough energy left to give two. Sometimes they might even say ”…you spent 10 seconds longer with Lachlan than me so now I get 10 seconds extra play with you!”
I would say every parent if they were honest will say they love their kids and want the best for them all, but if they thought about it would admit that they probably ”connect” better with some more than others. Some are less “work” or they have found more common interests with one over another.
Some have to be careful to make an extra effort with the child or children that are not so much like them or like they were as kids. Do this without being false or just to make them feel better though, as children see through dishonesty quickly.
For example if mine both come to me with writings or pictures they’ve done I give honest opinions of their work but in a constructive manner as they are still children at the end of the day.
“That’s a 6/10, Maggie, as I think the nose on that face looks a bit weird, but the eyes look really good”, or “That’s 7/10 for your story Lachlan as you made it really exciting but if you used more adjectives it would be better still”.
Having a boy and a girl can have some advantages over having 2 girls or 2 boys, I think. The first and obvious one for me who came from growing up with one brother is in the social arena.
I was painfully shy around girls and did not have a sister at home to “practice” intersexual nuances with as I grew, but my kids do and have no problems interacting at school with the opposite sex.
A girl can also make a boy less “bloke-ish” and a boy can make a girl less “girly” for want of a better word.
Maggie enjoys playing cars with Lachlan, or scooting around the block with him. She has not rushed yet to embrace makeup or perfume which I think she probably would have if she had a sister of similar age.
Lachlan is also a more gentle , thoughtful and kind boy that I feel in part is due to playing and growing up with a sister at home, who tempers a boy’s natural exuberance.
I am even lucky enough that he often makes me coffee in the morning and sometimes gets me breakfast in bed – some dads would only get that on their birthday or Fathers day!!. ( He even makes hot drinks for his sister – even though she often complains that he doesn’t make it as well as “Daddy” ! )
Another small advantage I have found with having siblings of different sexes is when it comes to positively exploiting the natural sibling rivalry all children display. Because Maggie is younger and a girl it tends to make Lachlan want to read and write better than if he had a younger brother.
Many studies have shown how girls tend to do better earlier than boys at school, grasping subjects quicker. For whatever reasons is still open to debate , but for me I can see how it has prompted my son to try harder at subjects Maggie is good at.
Having your “kid sister” show you up at stuff is not something that he likes too much!!
If there is any disadvantage in having a boy and a girl it is probably when it comes to clothing. Maggie is not too keen on wearing Lachlan’s skateboard- festooned, flaming skull- patterned hand me downs, which is perfectly normal, but means more expense when buying clothes.
However, I have found if I buy a few neutral coloured plain T shirts and tops in hues like black, dark green or blue these are happily worn by both children. It may suit them both at the particular stage they are at, but they still demand my attention and my time, though I wouldn’t have it any other way!
