Multitasking?
A father once more at 40, Peter Walker is disappointed about how media promote stereotypes that bear no resemblance to reality.
I could tell by the looks I got. You’re what? Yes, I had to confirm. Having a baby. Most whistled, or raised their eyebrows. Or both. Yep, at 40. Gonna be a dad. Again.
When I should be sleeping in on Sundays and playing golf in the holidays, looking forward to grand-children (not too soon, though), I was giving it all up to live the clichés. Sleep deprivation. Free-time a distant memory. Nappies. Ear infections. Head-lice and the threat of meningitis. Bring it on!
In the two years since Joshua was born, I’ve discovered I can deal with those things, mostly. Except the sleep deprivation. Still trying to cope with that. I still hear every cough, sniffle, and rustle he makes in his bed.
What I find most difficult to cope with are the stereotypes. Like the mobile phone ad on TV where a seemingly incompetent dad has to call his wife every five minutes because the baby is making noises. Everywhere you turn, especially in the media, there’s another bumbling idiot who can’t even change a nappy without mum supervising and correcting.
On Mother’s Day, the Sunday Star-Times ran a full-page ad for AMP. It announced “It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” Now, I have no idea what that means, but it definitely sounds derogatory to fathers.
Even the casual observer can’t help but get the impression that in the 21st Century, motherhood still holds more value than fatherhood. Kids need mum more than they need dad. The Mother Principle is still very much alive. Fathers camped outside the houses of Family Court judges and lawyers would probably agree.
The stereotypes are entrenched in every magazine. In the most recent Sunday (SS-T, June 18), Deborah Hill Cone’s blurb is a fine example. Self-confessed “tough-arse journo”, “hard-face-bitch” suddenly gets a flood of oestrogen (sic) and turns into fun-loving, nurturing, super yummy-mummy. She even quotes a couple of professionals – women, of course. “What women end up being able to do,” crows psychiatrist Sara Weeks, “is multi-task hugely”.
Yawn. I’m tired of hearing how great women are at multi-tasking (and, by implication, how bad men are at it). The only men I know who don’t multi-task are the one’s with overbearing, busybody wives and/or mothers who won’t let their men do anything because they won’t have their exacting standards met.
Most mornings I make a bottle, make lunches, tape Barney, try to get Josh to eat some fruit or coco-pops, iron a shirt, check emails, make coffee, help mum get a struggling, defiant two year old dressed, watch the news, shower, and get out of the house by 7:30 to make crèche by 8.
Crèche. Don’t tell me dads don’t feel guilty dropping their children off at crèche, or that they don’t have difficulty finding that work/life balance everyone’s talking about – and feel miserable when they fail.
My employment contract includes generous “domestic leave” entitlements, but when I ask for a week off because Joshua has hand, foot and mouth, I can see it in their eyes. Isn’t it the mother’s job to stay home with a sick baby?
Women no longer have a monopoly on performing multiple roles. I don’t think they ever did. Father’s, too, are nurse, cook, psychologist, taxi-driver, teacher, comforting shoulder, story-teller, coach and motivational guru.
Dad’s get up in the middle of the night to tuck little one’s back into bed. Dads’ hearts break when their children cry and there doesn’t seem to be any consoling them. Dads cringe at skinned knees and feel deeply proud at school productions. Dad’s need cuddles, too, and cherish milestones and the moments when they truly connect with their children.
Dads sometimes doubt themselves, but by and large, men are sensitive to the needs of their children. They want to be good role models. They want to nurture and raise healthy, happy children. And dammit, most of the time, most father’s do a pretty good job.
Just because we were not physically attached to our children for nine months does not mean we feel any less attached to them emotionally than mothers do.
To suggest otherwise devalues what it means to be a parent. Being a father, like being a mother, is a 24/7 vocation.
The AMP ad is only partly correct. Sometimes it is hard being a mother. Sometimes, too, it’s hard being a father.
Next: The Power Of Stories
