Another Fatherless Child
“Jane” tells the touching story of witnessing her partner’s anguishing battle to play a role in the life of his daughter.
(*) – All names and details have been changed to provide anonymity.
I met Scott in Summer 1990, a few months after his partner of eleven years, Alice(*), had left him, taking their three year old Daughter, Jessica(*).
He had since been involved in men against violence meetings and was expounding wonderful rhetoric about non-violence and ‘our children are our future’. He was remorseful about how he had treated his previous partner but acknowledged that his abuse was verbal rather than physical.
At first I decided to tread carefully with this man. His quest to become the ‘sensitive new age guy’ sounded rather cliche, and I wondered if a Leopard could change his spots. But after a few months, Scott, I and my two daughters Terry(*) and Marie(*), then aged 12 and 7, were starting to function as a family.
Discussions regarding suitable access for Scott and Jessica were on and off, but progress was slow.
Scott only had four hours access per week at that time, after having had weekend stay overs for a while just after they split up. When we would collect Jessica for visits Scott was often told we couldn’t take her journeying out of town, she had a cold’ or we weren’t able to have her that day, because Alice had made other plans.
Scott sought mediation from a community support service. When months passed with little progress in their discussions I suggested that Scott should seek advice from a solicitor. The solicitor was optimistic that access could be extended and he lodged an application to the Family Court.
Alice then petitioned the Court for access to be reduced to two hours per week.
And just before Christmas 1991 she dropped a bombshell: Scott’s solicitor rang and advised he had discovered why Alice was reluctant to extend the access hours.
Scott, being keen to know why, put the phone on hands free so we could all listen. The conversation went something like this:
Solicitor:- ‘Alice doesn’t want to extend access because Jessica has been sexually abused’
Scott (horrified):- ‘Who’s the B… who’s been doing that’ Solicitor:- ‘YOU, Scott!’
Scott:- fell into stunned silence and I doubt he even heard the rest of the conversation. There would be an investigation.
Assessments were carried out, Jessica underwent physical examinations and interviews. After what seemed an eternity Scott received a report from the paediatrician concluding there was ‘no clear evidence to support concerns about sexual abuse’ and the diagnostic interview at was ‘positively negative’.
The child protection agencies were satisfied that no sexual abuse had occurred.
While all this was happening I naturally wondered when or where Scott had opportunities to inflict any abuse. He was never alone with Jessica. I usually went with him to pick her up and we were always together until he dropped Jessica back at Alice’s house.
There certainly had never been any impropriety reported by my own Daughters. I was puzzled and disturbed over how this could have happened.
We eventually received a note from the solicitor saying that he had spoken with Alice’s solicitor and she was quite happy that sexual abuse wasn’t an issue.
Scott’s application for access could proceed, but the judge at the Family Court upheld the four hour per week arrangement, subject to reassessment in another six months.
One day I suggested that we take our girls to a fun park about an hour’s drive away. We knew we’d only have four hours to arrive there, have a great time and get Jessica back home by 3.00pm.
Could we do it?
The excitement took over and we went anyway, resolving not to tell Alice where we were going. We were sure she would come up with a reason why we couldn’t take Jessica. We had a great time that day but overstayed by twenty minutes trying to squeeze in extra rides before leaving.
We had 40 minutes to get back to Hamilton. Would we make it in time?
Jessica kicked the back of my seat all the way home, I was driving and while able to ignore it most of the way I found it distracting and commented that I would pull over and Jessica could change seats with Marie.
Scott and I felt tired and pressured and realising the time constraint Scott gave Jessica a small slap on the foot. Jessica crumpled into tears and clambered to sit on Scott’s knee where he managed to calm and comfort her.
When we arrived, twenty minutes late, Alice was waiting on the doorstep – and what a commotion ensued. Scott explained where we had been, but Alice was extremely upset.
In this frantic situation, Jessica had become tearful and we left as quickly as possible.
When Scott & Marie went to collect Jessica a week later, they returned with nothing but a note handwritten by Alice, which she had wanted him to sign as a condition of her releasing his daughter.
It stated:
” I, Scott.. , will return Jessica at 3.00pm unharmed…”
I suggested to Scott not to sign it. Alice could add anything to the note at a later stage.
Scott didn’t have access that weekend.
Days later Scott arrived home from work to find a Police business card wedged in the front ranchslider requesting him to come to the Police Station.
There, we were surprised to learn he was to be interviewed about sexual abuse allegations, reported by Alice since our trip.
During my interview, I assured the Detective there was no opportunity for anything like that to occur, we were together at all times that day and too busy having fun, running from ride to ride on our limited schedule.
Jessica, too, was again interviewed by child protection people. The police detective then advised he was satisfied no abuse occurred and that he’d talk to Alice to ensure this matter wouldn’t arise again.
It seemed coincidental that this accusation should re-surface just before another mediation was to be scheduled with the Family Court.
The quest for access was taking it’s toll on Scott’s family relationships and our financial and emotional resources. Alice’s solicitor, on the other hand, had secured legal aid -unlimited funds with which to prolong the case with groundless allegations.
We decided to drop the matter and only visit Jessica for Birthdays and Christmas, to deliver gifts for special occasions. Several years passed with Scott and Jessica sharing her Birthdays and Christmas on Alice’s front door step for 10 – 15 minute visits.
Scott would occasionally comment that it would be nice if Jessica could share our family outings and special occasions.
When Scott and I finally decided to marry, he asked Jessica if she would like to be a flower girl. He gave her time to think about it, returning three days later for her answer. Alice met him at the door and said Jessica didn’t want to attend the wedding, she didn’t want to see him again and didn’t want any more presents.
Later that year Scott approached another solicitor, this time over the issue of gifts for special occasions, Christmas was approaching and we couldn’t comprehend that Jessica didn’t want gifts from Scott.
The solicitor acknowledged the Access Order was still registered at Family Court and suggested she make an application for the order to be enforced.
The court ordered that we all attend counselling. The counsellor seemed nice enough, but left Scott feeling he was wrong to even want to see his own daughter. He even talked Scott out of the ten minute Christmas visit, offering to contact Alice and arrange someone else to deliver the gift.
We were then surprised when Alice consented to allow Scott his usual ten minute Christmas visit. As Scott was leaving, Jessica gave him the biggest hug I have ever seen a daughter give a dad.
Another mediation was held, the judge upheld the access agreement, but Alice argued she wouldn’t allow access to proceed. The judge requested we all see another court-appointed counsellor.
Our solicitor said everything was going well, all we needed was a good report from this counsellor and we could file for a warrant to enforce access.
But this new counsellor issued a damning report which supported Alice and left Scott feeling defeated and unheard. Alice had also made fresh allegations to this counsellor. This time Alice said Scott had been stalking her and Jessica FIVE YEARS earlier.
Scott and I had been together at least 6 years and neither of us had ever heard of these allegations. I am sure, if it was genuine, we would have been notified by police… or Alice’s solicitor… or somebody
That was more than two years ago, Scott hasn’t seen his daughter since.
He couriers gifts to her for special occasions. The courier is nice enough to report how the deliveries go. On Jessica’s last birthday, Alice queried who the gift was from, commenting ‘it may have to go back’. The courier was so surprised, she hastily said she didn’t know and departed.
This hasn’t been an easy story to write, in retrospect it seems surreal. If we hadn’t lived through it I’d never believe it could happen. I now regret advising Scott to see a solicitor, it seems he’d be better taking whatever Alice was prepared to hand out… or would he?
I came across comments recently ‘no amount of money is too much to pay to see your child’, I would have agreed many years ago.
We found ourselves in a position where no amount of money would ever secure reasonable access for Scott and Jessica. Scott has accepted that he isn’t able to take any part in Jessica’s life. He said recently that he never thinks about what happened – it would destroy him.
I hope that one day, perhaps many years from now, Jessica may come to know the man her father really is. In the meantime they’ve both missed some of the very best formative years together.
