Boy Talk
This book makes emotions sound a lot better!
Lately, I’ve been listening to the classic song “Pink Frost” by Dunedin legends The Chills. The lyrics express the feelings of loss, guilt and quite likely, unrequited love.
This reminded me of the rejection in the Screaming Meemees “See Me Go” by and the love in Chris Knox’s “Not Given Lightly”, and I wondered whether New Zealand is a nation of emotionally healthy males.
This book, however, has made me think again. I suspect that most Kiwi men could do with some help expressing their emotions without feeling embarrassed, resorting to aggression or through odd types of behaviour.
Such “sideways” behavioural issues or men’s physical problems are too often due to unexpressed emotions. Young boys are taught by their peers to be tough, or not to cry, and this leads to hiding, or no longer noticing their feelings or emotions.
Other, more quiet boys may seem as if they are content, seldom complaining types or happy playing alone, and we might dismiss them as having nothing much to say. Just like the tough boys, these future gentlemen need training to use words, along with parents who really listen.
Boys live by their “pack rules” which include never showing fear without loss of mana in their Pack.
Unfortunately this can lead to pack related behaviours like intimidation or aggression, whereas what boys need is the strength to stand aside from the pack and appraise each situation calmly, with empathy.
Fear or anger need to be recognised before aggression sets in and expressed without violence. Signs of stress like a “tight tummy”, fast heartbeat or hard looking face should be understood. If boys can recognise and quantify the actual risk to themselves, they may decide to walk away or turn the other cheek.
There are methods of teaching this with very positive outcomes.
Intercepting anger, giving hugs in public or even telling someone how much they are loved does not make boys less masculine, it makes them more human. Ability to defer or contain emotions may be a good thing for a short time, but emotions should never be hidden forever.
Boys need different help for each stage of their emotional development. Feelings and emotions are hard for them to understand, but from age four, peer pressures and pack rules start to apply.
Alternative values like compassion, fairness and smartness are needed to compliment tough. Teenage, sexual and interpersonal issues all need to be acknowledged and shared.
Helping boys express their emotions positively can begin with “mirroring” their feelings, repeating back to them the words that best express each situation. From here they can learn to use the right words every time.
BOY TALK includes a very useful Curriculum for Healthy Expression of Emotions along with In The Heat of The Moment – tools for parents, boys, and other people involved with boys. Grandparents, coaches, teachers and the whole proverbial village can help foster healthy emotional expression.
As boys learn the words for their emotional and physical feelings, they become less likely to fight. Some boys may even learn to sing songs. Crikey, being a singer/songwriter may even get them some action, and that’s surely worth more mana with their mates than a staunch demeanour!
Why boys’ emotions matter…
Jeremy was an active four year old boy who kept hitting his new born sister. After he was encouraged to use these words: “I’m mad because Mum can’t play with me now,” Jeremy’s aggressive acts decreased by almost half in just two days. His parents couldn’t believe it. They had been telling him to stop for weeks, but nothing had helped.
Similarly, when twelve year old Michael finally disclosed to his parents that his girlfriend had “dumped him” and that he felt bad, his crankiness stopped. Immediately. His parents also noticed how the muscles in Michael’s face looked different, more relaxed, after he had talked with them about his feelings.
BOY TALK provides concrete, easy to follow instructions for raising emotionally competent boys within a culture that conspires to turn them into unfeeling machines. Boy Talk can spring the male trap – the crazy rules of masculinity that stop boys from saying what they feel. It shows how boys can reclaim their emotions, and become men of strength, independence and integrity.
Next: Warrior Legend
