Help For Non-Custodial Dads

By Pat Albertson

“Any man can be a father, but it takes special skills to be a daddy”

Caring Fathers defines itself as a support and education group that fosters positive fatherhood. It is Christchurch based and works in conjunction with the Home and Family Society, a Christchurch-based support and counselling agency.

The group was started in 1994 by Jim Murphy and today has a mailing list of 120, as well as 500 contacts per year with fathers at meetings or by telephone. The main focus of Caring Fathers is to address the needs of separated fathers, but all fathers are welcome to be involved.

Founder Jim Murphy had found that father education courses were not user-friendly and often left the men feeling “pathologised” by the implication that they may have been violent, controlling, abusive or neglectful to need to attend a course.

According to Don Rowlands, “Fathers in New Zealand are quite competitive and resist attending groups where they feel they may be judged. The support group structure of Caring Fathers works well because men are helped by other men who have been through the same experiences of loss, or difficulties with parenting.”

The monthly meetings are a contact for fathers seeking help, and an opportunity to hear from speakers and for the circulation of information about the Family Court, coping with separation, children’s need and parenting. Fathers outside Christchurch can network with the group via telephone.

The most important role of Caring Fathers is the safety and welfare of children, with the principle goals being non-violence, respectful relationships and gender equality for men.
Other goals are:

* to offer ongoing support to fathers who take a positive parenting role;

* to provide fathers with education and information;

* to advocate for fathers individually or as a group with agencies, the courts and the political system;

* to support men who are genuine in their desire to become caring and positive parents;

* to encourage group responsibility for networking, friendship and support. These goals are pursued by way of monthly group meetings, writing submissions, telephone networking, social events, information packages and ongoing referral to other community agencies where appropriate.

Don Rowlands says that, “newly separated fathers can easily lose contact with their children”, and for this reason Caring Fathers also runs the Fathers Helping Network, a volunteer service designed to support fathers who are newly separated.

The volunteers are fathers who are committed to promoting positive father/child relationships, and who know the struggles, hurt and grief that can be involved with separation and parenting.

Each helper is trained in basic helping and listening skills, and receives regular and ongoing supervision, appraisal and professional support. As fathers move on from the Network, they take their skills into the workplace and wider community to encouraging positive fathering.

As well as helping and supporting fathers on an individual basis, Caring Fathers also seeks to change the way fathers are viewed in New Zealand society.

This is often done by way of submissions to select committees, and in recent times the group has addressed the Child Support Bill, Matrimonial Properties Act and the review of the Guardianship Act.

Caring Fathers takes referrals from most counselling and social service agencies, or interested fathers can contact Don Rowlands at the Home and Family Society, Ph (03) 379 3645. The group meets on the 3rd Monday of every month, 7:30pm, at the Community Law Centre, 281 Madras Street (gold coin donation).