The Challenges And Rewards Of Having Girls
By Peter Walker
I’ve often wondered how different a dad I would be’ if, instead of two sons, had two daughters. There are some who say that fathering changes relatively little, or not at all whether being a dad to girls or boys.
However, others would argue that not only does common sense tell us that being dad to a girl is vastly different to being a boys dad, so too does anecdotal evidence, and nearly every major study available on the subject.
Being an involved dad is a busy job.
In the first two parts of this series we saw, to a large degree, the father/daughter relationship from the daughters’ perspective – what she needs in a dad, why there can be barriers to her relationship with dad, and what can happen and how she might feel if dad was absent or uninvolved in her life.
From dads perspective, too, however, the father/daughter relationship is not only a unique one, but one which tests a man at many levels, and raises questions that are often challenging and difficult to answer.
I asked some dads several questions about being a girls father.
Their answers were often consistent with each other, but at times showed considerable divergence of ideas and experiences.
As we head into the 21st Century, I asked the dads what they thought might be the most significant challenges of being a girls dad in these times. Both Simon (34) and Mike (34) made specific mention of the problem of violence in our society, which, of course, is not a new problem.
In this 21st Century, however, it seems we can only expect the risk of violence to our children to increase. Which, for dads, can be a particular source of anxiety as, in no matter which century, they will tend to take on feelings of responsibility for the safety of their children.
Tony (54) said that maintaining “old fashioned” morality will continue to be a challenge in this new century, and Mike is concerned about the impact media and advertising will have upon his daughters needs/want’s, actions, and values.
Fred (40’s) believes that it will still be a challenge to walk the fine line between “allowing her [his teenage daughter] enough freedom, yet maintaining a semblance of guidance” when it comes to her wish to go certain places and the people she associates with.
As to the difference between sons and daughters, Fred noted the fact that his son is “sports mad” while his daughter has absolutely no interest in sports,” and that he tries to “share [his] time with his daughter equally by attempting to show interest in her activities as well.”
Tony is of the ,Opinion that boys have more difficulty focusing ion the future and that , they mature more slowly than girls. Simon pointed out that even simple things can be challenging. For example, for a dad, taking a boy to the toilet is less fraught with complications that doing the same for a girl.
The onset of puberty is possibly the most trying time for many parents.
And for the children! Tony remembers “two years of strong-willed stubbornness” with one of his daughters and “three years of hell, anti-social behaviour, anti-parent, anti-everything” with his other daughter, now 25.
Fred did not experience any “real challenges” with his daughter whom he said seemed to cope with the changes quite well. John (37) says a foundation of communication is making the period of transition quite smooth.
For Mike and Simon, who are both anticipating their daughters’ puberty, the time looms as a challenging and worrying prospect.
Simon is concerned that his daughter “will not be able to or want to talk about the various things that will happen to her body etc.”
David (32) as a single dad who sees his 6 year old daughter every fortnight, while hoping that he will be able to be more involved with her by then, is concerned that he will not have a “healthy communication” with her because of their separation.
He is also concerned therefore, that she will be unable or unwilling to talk to him about what is happening to her.
Communication seems to be the key factor as these dads anticipate this time with their daughters.
In the sexually charged era we live in, the concern of many dads is the appearance of inappropriate behaviour.
With society’s judgmental eyes peering over the shoulders of dads everywhere, the father/daughter relationship has come under much strain.
Many dads are reluctant to show much, or any, physical affection towards their daughters and, as we saw in the last F&C, this can have devastating consequences for girls.
“In today’s environment,” Simon wrote, “it is seen as improper to have a close and happy relationship with your daughter.”
The other dads seem not to have had such concerns. Tony noted that both of his daughters were able to be “open in their discussions” and also that both are now in “good relationships” with long term partners.
There are rewards specific to being a girl’s dad. But so too are there difficulties.
From PMT to the fear a daughter might compromise her future through early pregnancy or crime, to worrying while waiting outside public toilets.
From work constraints causing dad to miss certain aspects of development and play time to feelings of anxiety concerning his daughters safety. These dads seem representative of fathers’ concerns everywhere.
They all, however, seem to agree that one of the most rewarding things about having a daughter is simply seeing her/them grow into “delightful ladies” (Tony), “a mature woman” (Fred), a “nice, kind, caring young lady who can think for herself” (Simon), and “enjoying the love and affection that is the bond between father and daughter”, an emotional bond that sometimes “does occur in the father/son relationship” (Mike).
