The Last Word
1999 Wellington Father's Forum
by Harald Breiding-Buss
No doubt, the Wellington forum has increased the quality of fatherhood fora in NZ. Never before had there been such a quality concentration of people working in the fatherhood area, and never before had the fathers “movement” be able to educate people in institutions concerned about parenting on fathers issues the way it did at the Social Policy Forum. Meetings of men’s and father’s groups from around the country during the weekend provided a networking opportunity that had not been there before. For the first time, Wellington could provide a hint that a “fathers movement” actually exists.
However, Wellington also provided evidence that, while there are now many people able and prepared to lead or speak for this movement, it is not yet able to mobilise the ground troops. The turnout at the public forum was disappointing. Some people may have found their view confirmed that men simply don’t care about their children.
In this respect, the forum was just one piece in a long succession of failures to attract significant numbers of men to parenting courses, events or gatherings specifically geared to fathers.
Perhaps most fathers see parenting not so much as an interaction between themselves and the child, but more as playing a part within the family unit. While for many women, the mother-child relationship is an entity that exists in its own right, for most men their role as fathers is inseparable from their relationship with their partners. That would explain while it is mainly separated fathers, who attend fathers’ groups - the father-child relationship continues after the relationship with the mother has ended, and is finally trying to become independent from it..
The obvious answer to this is to change the focus: there is no doubt that parents want a team approach to parenting, and fathers may see more sense in attending courses or workshops that include both parents, and that have a focus on parenting together, rather than “mothering” or “fathering”. Given the gatekeeping role that mothers have, “better” fathering is as much a women’s issue as a men’s, and addressing these issues individually doesn’t make much sense.
It is an approach that works. In my own work I found the hardest part is convincing the parenting agencies that they need at least one night with both parents in their existing parenting programme - once they organised this session, attendance of fathers is never a problem. But what these well-established organisations are looking for is a partner with expertise and experience - credibility is the key.
Achieving this credibility involves hard work in the community. I believe it is one of the greatest achievements of the Father & Child Trust that it has been able to involve men in such community work, which would otherwise not have been. To join a Plunket Society committee is not a very attractive option for most fathers - but to start by visiting Dad’s Place or subscribing to Father & Child is a different story.
Through this work the Trust, and the NZ Father&Child Society, will hopefully over time become a force with enough credibility to be listened to, and to achieve changes that need to be achieved on both, the local and the national level.
There are no shortcuts.