Releasing The Woman In Your Daughter

As a grown woman, and arguably one of the most beautiful and adored women of her time, Marilyn Monroe lamented that as a little girl no one told her she was pretty.

Little girls, she said, need to be told they are pretty. Many in the self-aware, independent 90’s might scoff at such a naive desire for validation, but evidence suggests that little girls do indeed benefit from such praise.

The task of validating a little girl’s femininity is an important role of the most significant man in her life: daddy.

Unfortunately, too many men do not take on their responsibility to their daughters.

Some have abdicated, choosing to pass the responsibility to others – mother, stepfather, teachers. Others are content with the popular myth that children, especially girls, do not need a father.

Still others are denied the chance by circumstances beyond their control.

However, more men are waking up to the reality that, even though it is as one writer put it, “the most polarised of associations”

The relationship between father and daughter can not only be the source of much joy and contentment for both, it is in fact one of the most significant relationships a woman will have.

A caring, loving relationship with her father will better prepare a girl for life in the difficult grown-up world.

It may also influence the nature and success of her relationships with all men: romantic, platonic, and business.

Many researchers believe that, psychologically, most boys develop differently from most girls. From very early in their lives, children are subjected to many messages of varying degrees of subtlety.

These messages come from many sources -parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, television, the list is endless – and determine significantly how children feel about themselves and their environment.

Messages can be active or passive. Most of us are familiar with the stereotypical messages children receive. They can range from the active “You’re stupid,” or “You’re useless,” to the very subtle, passive messages about body image, violence, and respect (or lack of) for authority found in television, magazines and movies.

Margo Maine, author of “Father Hunger”, believes that the women’s movement has caused more “attention [being] given to the special problems for girls growing up in our culture”.

She thinks that “theories [..] stressing independence, separateness, autonomy, and individual rights cannot be used to describe women’s modes of thinking and functioning.”

Most boys are being prepared to look after communities, families or other units as a whole and in a protective sense by being “strong”, independent, isolated, detached from their emotions, in control of their environment.

Girls, however, may be taught more to put the needs of other individuals before their own. Maine says “as little girls watch their mothers and identify with them, they learn not only that relationships and connections are very important to women, but also that taking care of others is central to their lives.”

Subtle messages from their environment encourage girls to act and look a certain way, and further, that if they do not achieve a very narrowly defined ideal of beauty they are of less value than those who do.

Girls are taught more than most boys to nurture and refine the deep human desire and capacity for relationship. Psychiatrist Frank Pittman says in ‘Women and Their Fathers’ by Victoria Secunda, “When it comes to little girls, God the father has nothing on father, the god.

It is an awesome responsibility.” Daddy is the first man a little girl loves and learns to relate to. How Dad responds to her, and how he encourages her to respond to him, may largely form the basis upon which she will respond to all men with whom she relates.

With a keen sense of intuition, a girl will form an opinion about herself and women in general by watching how her father treats her mother and other women. If Daddy treats women with respect, she will learn that women are to be respected, and she will expect and demand to be treated so.

If Daddy is emotionally present she will learn that men can be so. If Daddy can connect with her, this will help her value her place in the family, and in society.

Relationships are important to girls.

In Raising a Daughter, Jeanne and Don Elium say “Girls want to know four things”:

1) Are we in relationship?

2) What is the nature of the relationship?

3) Who am I within the relationship%3

Next: Father And Son Reunion

Father & Child Magazine Issue #43

Parenting: The Teenage Mind; From The Archives: Hungry Fro Dad; The Mother Myth; 100 Days; A Lifeline For Babies; A Vision For Boys; Book Review: Fatherhood Hands-On
(more…)

Parenting: The Y-Factor

The tides of opinon on whether or not boys really are inherently different from girls (and if so, is it nature or social conditioning) have ebbed and flowed for the better part of 50 years now. For the last 10 there has been a proliferation of books saying that boys are different, and in a world where education and health are dominated by females, boys miss out in those areas for that reason. As for the girls, feminist Sandra Coney explains girls’ huge lead in education by saying that their natural superior smartness is simply shining through now that barriers are removed.

Regardless of what causes the differences between boys and girls, trends are undeniable and dealing with them as a parent is quite real. The danger is that we fall into the trap of thinking “she does that because she’s a girl” or “that’s girl’s stuff, a guy can’t understand it”, when we look at our daughters. It can also be a cop-out – let’s concentrate on our sons; they’re the ones needing the role models, right?

Like boys, girls are quite dependent on a close relationship with their (natural) fathers. It has been shown that this relationship is the most important for girls’ development of a healthy sexual identity. Even more than for boys, father absence in the early years predicts bad outcomes: higher risks of teenage pregnancy, suicide, low self-esteem and low self-assessed happiness and quality of life.

Nevertheless as a society we are putting greater emphasis on the father-son than on the father-daughter relationship. Popular literature emphasises the point—as a culture we love the romantic notion of a boy following in his father’s footsteps, and there isn’t quite a similar image for fathers and daughters, or even mothers and daughters.

Men’s groups, a growing trend in New Zealand, unfortunately also focus solely on boys for their ‘men’s retreats’ and other events that foster the idea of male bonding, and introducing sons to other adult men. However, as for girls and fathers, a boy’s sexual identity is very strongly affected by his relationship with his mother. The vibes that we get through secure non-sexual relationships with the other sex are possibly more important for the formation of our sexual identity than the relationship we have with the parent of the same sex.

If the groundwork has been laid, father-daughter relationships often come into their own in the teenage years, and can become extremely productive partnerships. World tennis ace Steffi Graf is one example of a young woman whose career was ‘managed’ by her father, and there are many other examples in sport. At a time when a girl is trying to step out of the shadow of her mother, she might find it much less threatening to listen and talk to her father. Boys go through the same thing, and during the teenage years those same-sex relationships within the household can start to resemble war zones.

For young children, parenting experts tend to advocate a child-driven approach. Meaning: look what your child does, or wants to do, and follow along. It is a good way to find your child’s natural aptitudes and preferences, but the key to a child’s learning is the relationship with the person the child is learning from. Boys and girls find joy in doing something together with dad, regardless of what it is, and a ‘child-driven’ approach should not stop a parent from occasionally introducing their own activities that they like to do.

For all children it is important that they get some one-on-one time with either parent. Some studies have shown that men’s interaction with young children changes significantly once mum leaves the room. It may be a lack of confidence or worries that a more assertive parenting approach may somehow undermine the mother, but it seems that men talk more and are generally more responsive when they are around their children by themselves. This is invaluable time for a child to get to know their dad as the human being he is rather than the role he plays.

Most of us can remember stories from our own childhood where we basked in our father’s pride—or felt downcast by his disappointment. This, too, applies to boys and girls and depending on their personalities they develop different strategies to get the former and avoid the latter.

It is common for children to avoid competition altogether because they do not want to disappoint a parent (although they may never phrase it like that). It is hard to hide disappointment completely. Most of us try to cover it up with positive words (“great effort” – “how wonderful that you took part in it”), and that is important even if your body language disagrees.

If that is the case in your relationship with your child, it is possible that your child has to try too hard to get positive acknowledgement from you. Quality time is the answer to that: let them feel that you love them as they are in those special moments, so they can take your pride (and otherwise) in their achievements the right way.

It’s a classic weak point for fathers. From day one we like to brag. It is a rare father who does not tell me that his 6 months old baby is already ‘months ahead’ of the other babies he sees. We’re prone to try to put some of our own ambitions onto our children.

That’s not entirely bad, but it needs to be underpinned by a relationship that is genuinely loving towards the child as a person. Combine the two and father and child are an unbeatable team.

Motherless Girls

A growing body of research warns about the effects of fatherlessness on girls: premature sexual experimentation, low self-esteem, and increased risk of eating disorders are amongst them.

But we know nothing about motherless children. Census figures suggest that about 13,000 New Zealand girls—and 16,000 boys— of all ages grow up mainly or only with their fathers.

Harald Breiding-Buss talked to three men about their experiences of raising girls without a mother.

Ellie

If you were to meet 22 year old Joshua* you wouldn’t pick him as a solo dad. Afflicted with Aspberger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism, he said he’s always been a ‘lone wolf’. Add to that an appearance that would have most people guessing at well under 20 you’d be forgiven for thinking the boy is yet to enter his first serious relationship.

Josh has been raising daughter Ellie*, now about 20 months old, from when she was just starting to crawl. In fact, when Ellie was born, he was no longer with her mother and, like most fathers in this situation, would expect to have a hard time keeping up a relationship with his baby.

Joshua became a solo dad as a result of serious neglect, having been a non-custodial father at the outset.

All three of the solo dads interviewed for this story have similar stories – for Lee it was drugs, for Allan alcohol, and abuse was a theme in all. At a time when a major publicity campaign tells men to stop abusing women and children, some men are left picking up the pieces for children abused by their mothers.

No-one knows how much of a role abuse plays in the rates of single fatherhood in New Zealand, or anywhere else in fact. Ken Clearwater from the Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Trust in Christchurch cites New Zealand research saying that 83% of physical child abuse is committed by women. Overseas statistics are similar.

Meanwhile, single father rates have been edging up internationally. Here, 18% of all single parents are male, compared to 23% in the US (2000 Census), 20% in Canada (2003), 16% in Germany (2004), 15% in France (2001), 10% in Japan (2000) and 9% in England/Wales (2001), putting us near the top of the list.

While politicians are slowly waking up to ‘fatherlessness’, it is ‘motherlessness’ that is showing an upwards trend. Mother involvement is low for the three girls in this story, although Ellie is starting to see more of her mother, with Joshua’s whole-hearted support. He also says it is important, “essential” in fact, that any girlfriend of his was able to establish a good relationship with Ellie.

“Ellie and I – it’s a package deal really”, he says about his dating prospects. But he has no intention of finding a new ‘mother’ for her: “She has a mum – I keep it simple. She has the women at childcare for a bit of female input. I’m not worried that she doesn’t get enough of it.”

Samantha

Mother contact is more of an issue for Samantha, 7 year-old daughter of Lee. Lee, 32, has started looking after her fulltime when she was four years old, after he became aware of her mother’s drug use and the environment Samantha was in. They had all lived together as a family for Sam’s first two years, but then her parents broke up and Lee became an access dad – one week out of four Sam was with him.

There’s no doubt that Sam misses her mum at least sometimes. “What I get now [from Samantha]”, says Lee, “is: why doesn’t mum ring me? When is mum going to see me? And all I can say is there’s nothing I can do about it, it’s all up to you mother.”

Although having been in an on-and-off relationship with another woman for some years (and having had another two children) Lee echoes Joshua’s sentiments as to who should fill the mother role: “Sam’s got a mum and she knows who her mum is. It’s not like [the mother of my younger children] is her mum. I kept it simple, otherwise you get a lot of questions and she just gets confused.”

Sinead

Sinead, 11 year old daughter of Allan, 39, is very lucky if she gets any time with her mother at all. In the past few years there were no visits, but she got four letters from her mother, in which her mother blames Allan of not letting her see her. Allan says Sinead’s mother had arranged twice in the last year to see Sinead, but then canceled each time.

Around Christmas times Sinead is missing her mother especially. “She finds it really, really rough. In the last couple of weeks she has said every night that she misses her mother. Birthdays are also hard, because there is no letter, no card.”

Sinead even wants her dad to get a girlfriend so she can have a ‘mother’.

She has been living with dad since she was five, but Allan had been her primary caregiver throughout her baby years as well. He says he relies quite heavily on his mother and sister to provide female role models, and to guide Sinead through puberty issues that she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to dad about.

With Sam getting older Lee, too, thinks there’s some things she feels more comfortable talking to women about, and he reckons he is lucky that he has some women friends.

“She locks up a bit when talking about her feelings ”, he says,”but she’ll talk to my female friends and then they tell me what the problem was. I don’t know if it’s a female thing or if she’s not really sure how I’ll take it.”

But Lee doesn’t think twice when it comes to introducing his girl to his “boy’s toys.” He did give up Speedway, a form of motorcycle racing, when he took care of Samantha because it’s a dangerous sport and he was aware she had nowhere to go if something happened to him. But that didn’t stop him from introducing her to motorbikes, which she now rides herself with glee.

“Sam’s been riding motorbikes from about 4-5. She went from riding motorbikes to riding pushbikes without trainer wheels. She keeps asking when we can go out to Amberley to go motorbike riding.”

That’s not the only thing that he sees as being different from how mums parent: “I’m not over her all the time. If she falls over or something I’ll try and laugh it off with her. Or say’ you’ll be fine’. I don’t really want to baby her. She’s gotta learn for herself.”.

Josh finds another difference: “I’d say I have more patience than a normal single mother. When [Ellie] has a tantrum I can just ignore her and not get wound up myself about it.”

The biggest thing that Alan has noticed is conversation. “Sinead wakes up in the morning and starts talking and shuts up when she goes to sleep”, he says. “I really have to work to keep a conversation going at my end, but it’s amazing how far you get with ‘yes’ and ‘aha’.” Even so he says that sometimes the information overload causes him to “get up and go to my room for 10-15 minutes”.

Other things appear universal problems amongst single parents of either sex. Finding time for yourself ranks high on the wish list for most. Josh finds it particularly hard, with young children being so emotionally demanding.

Allan, too, identifies this as probably the most annoying thing about single parenthood. “I’d like the ability to just get up and go for a walk. I can’t do that.”

For Lee the situation is even more complex. In addition to Samantha he has a 12-year old boy, which he sees every weekend, and two younger children. Coordinating his four children seems to be defining his life.

It’s hard to say what motherlessness is going to do to girls like Ellie, Samantha or Sinead in the long term. “Sinead gets bullied at school”, says Alan. ”Sometimes she gets teased about not having a mother. She has never come across anybody at school who lives with their father.”

He also thinks that she is idealising her mother, “which may cause problems once she is old enough to make her own decisions about going to see her.”

Men like Lee, Josh or Alan are virtually invisible – which means their children are too. They are not getting even a fraction of the attention of social or health services that children from two-parent or solo-mother families get. This would be more understandable if solo fatherhood was a new phenomenon. However, as far back as 1981 15% of single parents in New Zealand were male, a figure that has only recently increased. Single fatherhood is as old as single parenthood.

Yet we know practically nothing about them. No research on solo fathers has ever been funded by government in New Zealand. A review of Census data by Davey in 1999 may be the only piece of research that has ever been done on solo fathers here. The Families Commission, which is set up to fund research to inform policy making, has twice turned down proposals for research on solo fathers by the Father & Child Trust.

Looks like as a Society we’re not too interested in children like Ellie, Samantha or Sinead.

Next: Taxing Families

Father & Child Trust Auckland

Contact Details

Support Worker:

Brendon Smith

Phone:

09 525 1690

Mobile:

021 892 980

Postal:

PO Box 11931

Ellerslie

Email:

brendon@fatherandchild.org.nz

Mauri Ora Fathers meetings

Every Wednesday we welcome all to our Mauri Ora Fathers group. We aim to provide a safe place for any fathering issues and strengthen our collective fathering abilities.

7-9pm, at the Onehunga Community Centre, (next to the library),
83 Church Street, Onehunga, Auckland – ph 525 1690.

We hope to see a few new faces, any local fathering advocates or dads who are keen to contribute to the new Auckland committee. Children are welcome, though we do usually leave them in front of a TV with a tin of biscuits!

See below for recent topics discussed during Mauri Ora Father Circle meetings:

Auckland Activity Summary – July 2009

Central Auckland Barnardos have encouraged us to contact all Barnardos teams and share our message and resources. We are part of the publicity and event coordinators for Waitakere City’s Focus on Fathering Week. The series of events leading to fathers day celebrations requires, local news and regional awareness.

We have a start date August 18th for the Waitakere Teen Dads Support Program with HealthWest, ChangeWorks and Barnardos in Waitakere City. This is the first teen father support project in Auckland.

Child Youth and Family at Youth Justice North engaged us to provide two sessions on Healthy Choices re Fathering. Based on positive feedback, plus our work in Christchurch, we have designed and submitted a 4-6week program proposal and await their decision.

This program helps young men appreciate the changes in lifestyle, relationships and commitments required to be a good father. Our research and experience, along with the Barnardos teen dads survey and Changeworks course and related workshops which have been used, lead us to believe that these courses lead to long term improvements.

We are being contacted for information and resources by many groups, ManAlive in Henderson, IRD in Whangerei and a counselling for couples after separation crew in Hamilton. As the printing of magazines for New Babies is currently halted awaiting funding, plus there are limits on our ability to print Dads and Babies booklets in bulk, with Auckland we are struggling to keep up.

Our Auckland office has been busier than usual in a number of ways. Our telephone support commitment has seen new clients weekly and a Mauri Ora Fathers group has been running since February. Activity has continued to increase, at all hours, during the period that our New Babies Edition – Father and Child magazines were distributed via the Bounty Packs.

We are also being asked to consider alternative advertising or sponsorship options for our New Babies magazines, which will concede some of the independence, credibility and product association preferences we were aiming to achieve. We hope that funders
appreciate our gratitude for their type of support before we have to concede.

We receive a number of calls from Citizens Advice and similar offices, so need to produce and print regular leaflets, flyers, correspondence and meeting notices.

Auckland Coming Out …

On the 2nd of March, 2008 Father and Child Trust Auckland, ‘came out’ in public. The event was the Toddler Day Out at Waitakere’s Trust Stadium. We were convinced that it was a better networking event than the Teddy Bear’s Picnic. In the end, we were lucky that another Trust helper attended Auckland’s usually more popular, domain based fun day.

After meeting and being given a handy sand-pit, by Annie Gordon of Barnardos, one of the organisers, we knew our visitors would be able to chat, while the toddlers built castles. With a giant bouncy Castle and busy dance and activity stage, the fun was everywhere, and we struggled to keep up with the visitors. Among the Dads and mums were other stand representatives who had noticed us. We got a lot of ‘finally’ and ‘thank-goodness’.

At one stage, we were visited by the Prime Minister Hon. Helen Clark, who asked. ‘And who are these people?’ to which I replied ‘We are the Father and Child Trust, we aim to educate and encourage all Dads. The PM replied quickly ‘Well, you encourage them to take up their paternal leave, now, if they want it.’ and I said ‘Yes, thanks.’

Then, her assistant noticed my buddy Ian, recently returned from Australia, mainly to live here while he brings up his children, with his baby asleep on his shoulder, beside me. They had to take the opportunity, three fast grins were assumed and the flash went pop!

We were glad to be noticed, but I was not sure if I wanted to be seen in that photograph. In fact, we met so many good contacts it needed to be a special person to stand out. Then, when Eva Scherer first met me, within a few minutes, she had me happily being photographed outside her pink drop tent and then smiling, sitting right inside!

There I had been, feeling reluctant in a photo–opp. with a VIP, yet happy to be pink?

AK Report April 2008

After printing and distributing flyers and posters, plus advising the local papers, we had around twelve people attend our initial meeting, including several keen committee members.

Between my introduction and Harald’s explanation of the Trust’s background, we answered many questions and felt confident of a need for our services in Auckland.

We attended the Toddler’s Day Out, March 2nd Waitakere City, we met many people, we were very busy, sharing our flyers, magazines and booklets, always running out!.

At one stage, we were visited by the Prime Minister Hon. Helen Clark, a lady from Poland who runs the Child Connection Trust, Plunket, Parents Centre and other west Auckland representatives from Barnardos, Porse and many Kindergartens

We also attended the Teddy Bear’s Picnic at the Domain, thanks to Paul Catton, and it was noted that with so many punters, we should be there next year as well.

We recently attended the Onehunga Fair, Sat 5th April, meeting more important contacts and potential new members, plus we heard the Mayor John Banks say what a great day it was as he stood within 8m of a where a new motorway runs,

We also attended the Onehunga Community Services Group meeting, spoke briefly and outlined our intentions, met several new contacts and shared flyers.

Our next meeting was at Onehunga Community Center, next to the library and a very new, well presented building. We had four new members including two from the previous meeting, including Eva the Child Connect lady. We enjoyed her outline and agreed to write an article on her program.

The demand for flyers has seen our limited supply run out completely, our next batch of 200 expected this week will almost certainly be exhausted right away.

I have heard from a West Health nurse met with the intention of setting up a teenage dad support program. He has had several questions answered by Harald and is holding a meeting in Early May. I also met a west Auckland Plunket lady who is trying to encourage a few young dads in Glen Eden.

From the start of next school term, ie Mon 5th May, we will invite solo or young dads to a Jingle and Jive song and dance event for toddlers. For $5 they can come along, participate and have tea afterwards.

There are similar sessions in the library on Thursdays so we expect a bit of cross-over promotion but we need to advertise and promote it too. I see this as a great way to involve local fathers and potential helpers.

We have set 5th May for our next meeting and expect a few new members.

While the next visit from Harald will be later in May and should allow us to have a New Babies magazine launch in Auckland, there may not be time to arrange a Dads and Babies Talk, as being held in Palmerton North, but I hope Harald can meet the Parents Center people and agree on a date.

As you may have heard, we were awarded approx $8k from Lotteries for event, salary and office costs.

Inaugural Meeting – March 2008

About a dozen fathers responded to Father & Child’s Auckland Regional Coordinator Brendon Smith’s call to form an Auckland committee. The Trust plans to build a viable local branch eventually providing services similar to those available in Christchurch and has received some support from funders for the initiative.

The meeting, which was held at Onehunga Community Centre, aimed to be the first step in a strategy that sets goals for the Trust in Auckland over the next year.

“Mauri Ora Notes”

12/05/09
This Week’s Issues:

We heard about how the new Movie – Men’s Group, sees a few
relative strangers come together, develop respect, become mates,
care for each other and explore many of ‘those unspoken things’,
as they struggled to communicate their feelings. One guy
usually had a little tipple, before each meeting in his car…

We talked of how mainly guys, use alcohol or drugs to cope,
how this is never a solution, it usually ends up in misery,
one of us has been through the rehab and knows now.

One of us has a child just out of starship, two weeks in,
now at home on medication, a bit of a tie but that’s being a dad,
they quickly make you realise what your precious treasure is.

One of us had ‘return business’ from 5 old work contacts
recently, and realised that he had had good relationships,
as well as good business with those customers, which is good..!

We talked about listening and making new members feel welcome.

*We were asked if we knew ‘the three most difficult things to say’
3. I love you
2. I’m sorry
1. I need help

We talked about respect and accommodating both cultural and parenting
or even personal situations. How only one person should speak at a time
we should not swear at, put down or make fun of each other, be positive.

One of us went to see his dad (86) at a family farewell and realised
that, at some stage soon, he will feel more like a father to his dad,
as he looks after him, or takes over some of his health and wellbeing.

11/07/09
This Week’s Issues:

We talked about our mission, and we tried a few words together,
please comment on the above text and introduction statement.

We talked about how we never want to fight over access issues,
the last thing we want to fight over is our children, and the last
person we want to fight with is usually their mother, but…

We talked about the story of king soloman,
when two women fought over a baby, he asked
‘Should I cut this baby in half?’ one woman cried
‘No, I’ll give up the baby if you will do that’
so he then gave this woman the baby…

Whether we are resigned to engaging in any battles,
we should try to do some things that transcend the fight.
ie, write the kids a letter, saying, I don’t like fighting over this,
I want to spend quality time with you, and I always will, etc

Don’t get too engaged in the fight and lose sight of the need
to enjoy and be happy with your children, to be right is not
always as important as to be happy, esp. for your kids.

We talked about how some dreams require a sacrifice,
but never give up wanting to be the best dad we can,
and that we should always look for the silver linings.

One challenged us all to answer, ‘If we asked our kids,
what would they say about how, we loved them’

with some of our children witnessing the answers,
we all enjoyed another positive connection.

This Week’s News:

Men’s Group – a movie was previewed at the Rialto in NZ on Monday,
this Melbourne based tragedy was filmed entirely with first takes,
so it grabs the audience and takes them for an emotional journey..
join the guys in their safe place, hear their stories, see their lives.
Highly recommended and hopefully rolling out near you soon!
(Watch this space for future screening info.)

Epsom Library are continuing their monthly session of ‘PlayDads’
stories with action and movement, with the next one at on April 4th,
Starting at 9am for children up to around 2 yrs old, and their dads!

Man Alive are offering a new Men in Relationships programme
in Henderson starting on Tue. 7th April, a 12 week course
for any men who want to work on relationship issues,
any questions contact, chris.mullins@manalive.org.nz

Join us for any father related wellbeing or support…
Mauri Ora Fathers’ Circle Wednesdays, 7.30pm, Onehunga Community Center
________________________________________
Father and Child Trust, Onehunga Community Center, 83 Church Street, next to library, auckland@fatherandchild.org.nz Ph (09) 525 1690 fatherandchild.org.nz

17/09/09
This Week’s Issues:

One of us has changed schools for an early teenage daughter.
This was a tough decision as they had been in a new, local school,
it was a forward thinking school with no PE, community projects etc,
but their child was quite academic, didn’t seem to be getting enough
stimulation or challenge, has moved to school further away,
Dad is now taxi man too, but it seems worthwhile so far.

One of us knows a ‘Rigger’ who has travelled the world,
working on high rise building projects and wants to introduce
this sort of trade training in to NZ schools. We all lamented the
lack of woodwork/metalwork/home economics nowadays.

One of us had children in trouble at school recently,
followed mates to shops instead of school, one of them
was caught shoplifting, not the first time. We understand
that kids get distracted, we only hope that they learn these
lessons while they’re young and what is right and wrong.

We appreciated the influence of sport on our children,
especially once they take it seriously, opportunities for
travel and professional careers are fantastic, but they need to
learn about life balance too especially the prospect of injuries,
or depression if the career path does not eventuate.

We talked about how it is true that it takes a community
to raise good children, but that is not always all that’s needed,
in some cases that implies that the parents are excused,
in reality the parents are vital and mustn’t neglect kids.

One of us, caught between his children and a wife
who wants to move to Nelson to be nearer her family,
was reminded that there is free counselling and mediation
available from the Family Court, if they had not already…

These sessions apparently start with separate interviews,
then they see each couple together, hoping to avoid court,
plus that if you get a good mediator/counsellor, it’s great!

We talked about how it is normal for relationships to
go up and down, especially around childbirth. Fathers
need to be sensitive to the changes mothers go through.

We also talked about the agony of knowing that if you leave,
or your children are led to believe that’s what happened,
it can leave a bad memory or cause trouble later.

27/11/09
This Week’s Issues:

We talked about the need to inform children, as soon as
possible in the event of a separation. This may seem hard,
because you don’t want to admit it’s the end, of face it,
and the children may have a half an idea something’s up,
so it pays to ease the tension, see if they have any questions,
if it comes as a shock to the children, that’s no good.

One of us ensured us that despite his parents splitting up,
when he was around 10, his father always talked to him,
kept to his word and made heaps of time for his son, plus
how children need to know both parents still love them.

We suggested that the ‘announcement’ of the separation,
should be pre-planned, in a calm time and place,
by the parents, including most of what is to be said.

The children need to know they have a say if they need,
and that the positive, ‘two homes now’ angle can help.

Someone said it’s hard when ‘ideals’ or dreams are broken,
someone else said you have to break eggs to make omelette.

One of us said it pays to be sure you are safe, and that the
relationship you have with your children is safe, especially
the lines of communication with and about them, even if that
means you have to move out or put up with other things.

One of us said how he had agonised over his recent leaving,
but talked to his daughter carefully, maintains heaps of time,
and now has a good arrangement with her and the mother.

One of us has just got his same child out of starship, again,
now on new medication, but certainly better than last week!

Join us for any father related issues or support…
Mauri Ora Fathers’ Circle Wednesdays, 7.30pm, Onehunga Community Center
________________________________________
Father and Child Trust, Onehunga Community Center, 83 Church Street, next to library, auckland@fatherandchild.org.nz Ph (09) 525 1690 fatherandchild.org.nz

Going the Distance

Mark Stephenson takes a light-hearted look at long-distance travel with children.

A journey to the other side of the world with your little treasures in tow adds new meaning to the phrase ‘long haul flight’. Having family in the UK has given me the incentive to brave all sorts of transport options with my daughter at various ages.

Going on a long trip with your kids can be hard work but it can also bring unexpected joys and surprising revelations – about them, about other people, and about yourself.

My first experience of travelling any distance alone with Gina was a holiday in the Marlborough Sounds. We took the ferry across the Cook Strait on an average day. That’s right, it was cold, windy and we cut through a rollicking sea.

Gina was four months old, and though I was a hands-on dad from the outset, I admit to feeling some trepidation. I was adept at the continuous feeding, holding, joggling and nappy changing, but I was a first time dad – how adequate would I feel if she cried all the way?

As it turned out, she was a delight. All the older people smiled and cooed at her, and the young ones sat as far away as possible.

Young-ish women smile at you when you have a baby with you. It may be sympathy, or perhaps it arouses some other warm and fuzzy feelings.

The dad’s badge of honour – left shoulder stained with slimy white vomit, as if a large seagull had deposited its load onto you – is well known. Some women may find it off-putting, however. There is a general benevolence towards you when you are seen caring for a baby but it may not be the right time for ‘picking up chicks’.

One experienced older man watched me coping with feeding and burping (the baby) on our rolling voyage. He smiled and nodded encouragement. Then he leaned forward and said, ‘It gets worse, you know.’

At the time, I didn’t understand. Even now I think it was unnecessarily pessimistic, even cynical.

A long trip with a toddler is, I admit, a completely different kettle of aphids. At that age humans make noise wilfully and are mobile, even agile. The possibilities for disaster are legion.

Boarding the plane to Europe one day with my blue-eyed, articulate little girl of two and a half, her wavy blond hair shone in the late afternoon sun like a halo. Though not a saint, she looked like an angel.

We were fortunate to be flying Japan Airlines. Though said to be a respect-based culture, the Japanese are tolerant of little children, and their politeness is legendary. As it turned out, this was just as well.

Suffice to say, Gina’s angelic nature was somewhat less apparent ten hours into the journey. Was it the puffy, chocolate covered face and hair? Or the frothy mucus bubbling from the nostrils? Perhaps the sticky hands banging on the backrest (and possibly head) of the person in front…?

Well, we had ‘dinner’, followed by grapes for desert, and then most people settled down for a snooze. I was beginning to doze off myself.

Gina, however, had other ideas. Finding a spare grape on the floor, she roamed the cabin looking for a suitable receptacle.
I thought I had better follow. A few rows down was a Japanese lady who had contrived to lie across two seats, on her back. She was sleeping peacefully with her mouth open. Before I could react, Gina popped the hairy morsel neatly into the obvious place. Perhaps she thought the lady was hungry.

The Japanese lady woke up. Her face became a most unusual colour. Fortunately, she sat up, which was wise, and coughed. Out came the grape, now a shiny green colour. I apologised profusely and bowed, what else can you do?

She, however, merely smiled at Gina and said, ‘That OK’. Then she calmly lay back down and closed her eyes. We beat a hasty retreat. I thought it best to prevent Gina retrieving the grape.

Any travels with children in the five to ten age group can be summed up in one pithy phrase: Are we there yet? Or in a single word: entertainment. It is the age, however, when a child is excited by new experiences and a voyage presents an opportunity for something very special – an adventure.

I can still remember my own first plane ride: the thrust of acceleration, then the thrill of lifting into the air and the ground floating away below you. I was an adult, however. Imagine the buzz for a seven year old.

‘WHOA! WOO-HOO!’ Gina cried out at the top of her register as we took off on the first leg of our journey to Auckland. She was oblivious of all the old farts around her buried in their newspapers and generally bored with their own lives. What a gift to experience things afresh, albeit vicariously, through your own child.

‘Four more take-offs to go’, I told her.

‘Cool’.

We were delayed in Auckland, (No! We are not even nearly there yet), the delay capital of the world. I’ve flown both ways round the globe, several times. Auckland is the only place I have ever been delayed. (Try Frankfurt—and then they rip up your luggage, too—ed).

Twenty hours this time. I was dismayed. I cursed my luck. All that extra entertainment required. How wrong could I be?

Gina loved the unplanned detour to a hotel. She loved the room, the fresh towels, the light switch activated by a card (let me do it, Dad), the buffet dinner (you can have as many plates as you like, Dad). She especially loved the wake up call at three a.m. to go back to the airport! (Can we do this next time? It’s really fun!) I nearly laughed.

I was humbled. What a joy to be traveling with someone who saw novelty and excitement, even in the setbacks. I felt privileged to have such a companion.

Waiting in queues at Los Angeles airport for two of three hours was trying. The entertainment did run a bit thin. I read stories to her, and dozens of other travelers, some of whom enjoyed the snippets of Harry Potter. At times we sat on our bags and pulled out the maths homework set by her teacher before we left. Gina loved all the attention, naturally, but it would have been a lot harder with three of four.

Two years later, Gina was at a different stage. Though the voyage was not quite such an adventure, she was much more involved in the preparation. She chose books, magazines, she took her padlocked diary, hair bobbles, and just the right kind of hairbrush, MP3 player, and of course she needed an outfit for every leg of the journey.

She was so smart in pink and mauve, with her Power Puff Girls suitcase on wheels. She knew she was a princess, but this was only confirmed on arrival at Dubai for our stopover.

‘Mr and Miss Stephenson?’

‘Er, yes.’

‘This way, sir.’

I expected to be bundled into a sardine-can minibus and sit sweating for hours in forty degree heat. Wrong again.

‘Your vehicle is right there, sir.’

‘Where?’

‘That black car, sir.’

That black car was an air-con limo with leather seats and drink holders built in. I wanted to ask if our host was sure it was intended for us, but he was so efficient I didn’t dare.

The hotel was third rate in Dubai, but the best I have ever stayed at. Gina was in heaven. You could, and did, have anything you wanted for breakfast – just suggest it, they cook it for you.

‘More hot chocolate?’, the waiter said, pushing Gina’s seat under her, ‘certainly, Madam.’

Perhaps such unaccustomed attention would sit uneasily for myself, but to see Gina’s delight was something special, it gave a lightness to the trip which was for her alone.

Traveling with a child is not always easy but, for me, it has been more rewarding than traveling with most adults I know. After all, the value of travel is not merely to go from A to B, but to see something of the world and to learn about yourself.

Next: Book Reviews

A Soldier and His Daughter

For army-dad Jim Downey having a baby daughter made him wonder how he is going to relate to a girl. But, being an outdoor ‘nut’ he just decided to take her along. This is how it went.

Jim’s story

Becoming a parent was quite a shock for me, not because it wasn’t planned or anything, just that there was no substantial owners manual or instruction booklet. No amount of reading books or discussion at ante-natal classes or being harrassed by other parenting “experts ” really prepared me for what was to arrive.

And then it did arrive :6.13 lb beautiful amazing baby girl. Thoughts of how was I going to relate with a girl suddenly rushed through my mind. Being in the NZ Army had turned me into an outdoors pursuits nut participating in everything with a “ing” at the end . From abseiling through to yachting .  Playing war games, building tree houses, tramping , hunting and going fishing seemed perfectly normal with a boy but initially seemed incongruous with a girl. This “thought “ didn’t go down too well with my wife  either, sometimes it does pay to internalise your “thoughts” and keep things to yourself.

Due to a rough beginning with ailments like difficult pregnancy, lactose intolerance, non-breast feeding, continuous ear infections ( requiring crommets) post natal depression , very little family support and even being sent to  Bosnia for four months made life a challenge. This load spread between two parents was tough enough- I truly question the wisdom of single people choosing to raise children on their own.( it does takes a village to raise a child)Good parenting is hard work and i believe that team work is crucial to its success .” It takes two baby”.

My wife and I quickly realised that babies are like a sponge and when they weren’t sleeping , they were learning. So our girl had read her first book by about three and a half. By six she had a reading age of 13. As mum is a teacher, obviously our girls brains came from her  side of the family. As our daughter has grown I have always been proactive in  her immersion into many outdoor experiences like abseiling, kayaking, tramping, bush craft, swimming and camping . I think its important to have a well rounded child, not purely academic or purely sporting. The idea of putting all of your eggs into one basket ( ie just sports) does not benefit the child or the community in the end.

My desire to get our girl into kayaking began at an early age when at 18 months we started taking her on  small trips in our double sea kayak. She would sit in the rear hatch on a specially made seat so she could come along for the ride. And yes she was wearing a life jacket and I had assessed the risks. As a sea kayak instructor I consider safety paramount. In the years to follow she has done many small trips and now at 12 comes away with our kayak club to exotic destinations like Marlborough Sounds and local Wellington coastal areas. She loves the camping, fishing, night paddling, water fights  and doesn’t seem to care if it gets a bit rough. Playing around in the surf also seems to appeal.

Our relationship is very strong and I think will continue through her teenage years when often children appear to require less contact with their parents, tending to be more independent.  

My wife believes any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy.
 

Laura’s story

Kayaking has always been my Dad’s hobby and over the years, it became mine too. When I was little I would sit in the back hatch of the kayak while my dad was paddling, so kayaking came naturally to me. He always wanted me to be good at kayaking because he didn’t want me to be scared of the water.
 
When I was big enough to get my own kayak, I would tag along to some of the courses Dad ran and learn from what he was saying, just so I could improve my skills. My Dad and I get along really well together. We enjoy being with each other. Kayaking has created a bond between us – it has always been a thing that we do together. It gives us something in common.

At Easter we went kayak fishing at Titahi Bay and I caught the first good sized schnapper, much to Dads disappointment. Luckily for him he caught one 15 minutes later. So far I have kayaked around some really beautiful places like Marlborough Sounds, Coromandel, Lake Taupo, and Waikato River (up to Huka falls) and of course many great places around Wellington.

I’m looking forward to doing more paddling with Dad and when he gets too old – I just might stick him in the back hatch and paddle him around!

Next: 10 Years