In time for Fathers Day this year we have completed our study on fathers who raise young children with no or very little input by the children’s mother. This is a usually forgotten and quite ‘invisible’ family type that seems to engage little with the communities they live in.

For more detail and the full report, see here:

For the NZ Herald report with Auckland solo dad Daniel Philips, see

here

Father & Child Trust is opening an office in Wellington to complement its offices in Auckland and Christchurch.

The Trust’s head office will remain in Christchurch and the purpose of the Wellington office is to extend Father & Child services to the Wellington region. The new local coordinator is Quentin Solomon, better known simply as Q, of Ngati Kahungunu and Ngati Porou descent. Quentin is an at-home father of two of his three children, a six year old girl and one year old boy, and lives with his wife Justine.

Father & Child Trust is funding the foray into Wellington from its own reserves, and the first task is to find the financial support to create a physical office and ongoing employment.
This is Father & Child’s second attempt in Wellington, after a separate Father & Child Trust Wellington was set up in 1998 by local dads to facilitate a forum about fathers. However, no ongoing services were established and the Trust has since been struck off the company office’s register.

No separate legal entity will be created for this new initiative which will be managed jointly with the Christchurch and Auckland offices. Father & Child’s Board of Trustees, it’s governing body, contains members from all three locations.

To contact Quentin email wellington@fatherandchild.org.nz or phone (04) 9097294

We’ve just received word that our application for $25,000 to MSD’s Community Response Fund for Auckland has been successful. The $25,000 grant recognises the importance of our work and the increased demand we are experiencing in Auckland.

Father & Child supports the ‘Income Splitting’ Bill currently before select committee. The bill would treat parents who live together as an economic unit for taxation purposes rather than tax them as individuals, as is presently the case. The present taxation system disadvantages families with only one income earner compared to a family where the same earnings are split about equally over both parents. This affects almost all parents who just had a new baby.
Father & Child believes that choices over how parents divide income earning and caring responsibilities should be tax-neutral.
The bill is not expected to make it into law as it does not have the support of either National or Labour. It was brought into parliament by United Future leader Peter Dunne under a coalition agreement with National.
Father & Child’s support for the bill does not indicate support for any political party.
Full text submission here: Submission Income Splitting

The Ministry of Social Development has produced a new resource called ‘Supporting Teen Fathers’ aimed at those working with young dads. It was developed in consultation with local researchers and practitioners, including Father & Child. The resource covers conceptualisation of a service through to delivery and evaluation. Order from MSD, ph (04) 916 3300, or contact Father & Child.

Dads might run the danger of delayed ‘crashing’ after the Canterbury Earthquake. Many of the men we have seen at Chch Father & Child recently report high anxiety levels in their partners and their children, especially daughters. Dads have taken on the role of the stable ‘rock in the storm’ for their families as the ground continues to shake regularly at night.
Experience, for example with postnatal depression, shows that fathers cope very well while a crisis is going on, but ‘crash’ when things in the family overall are improving as they have been postponing their own dealing with the situation. This sometimes leads to quite severe depression. With nerves being frayed, there is also a danger that couples fight more.
A good technique is to ‘debrief’: Talk honestly and earnestly to a trusted friend about how it all was, or come to us and we’ll ‘debrief’ you. If you’re feeling stressed already, or are arguing a lot more with your partner, it also helps a lot to talk things through.
The Chch office is open 10-2 weekdays, or by appointment, 1/369 Hereford Street, 982-2440.
Harald Breiding-Buss, Father & Child General Manager.

Dan Brown, a young father being supported by the Father & Child Trust, was interviewed on TV3 about the new “In Your Hands” DVD produced by Great Fathers.

Daniel Brown TV3 13th July 2010

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The Auckland Father & Child Trust has been granted $5,000 for a short-term project involving teen dads after having been approached by the Ministry of Youth Development. Youth Development minister Paula Bennett and local MP Peseta Sam Lotu-liga have both issued media statements about the funds (Paula Bennett here; Lotu-liga here).
Father & Child understands that the funds are part of unspent monies from the 2009 budget rather than ‘new’ funding. The money going to Father & Child appears to be the only funds from this pool tagged for teenage fathers, but some organisations working with teenage mothers in other parts of the country have also benefited.
Teenage parents have been getting a big funding boost in the 2010 budget, with government more than doubling the number of directly funded case-work positions to 19 nationwide, and special funds set aside for teen dad projects.

Comment: Where Would We Be?

For our end of year function, at Father and Child Auckland, we hosted a barbeque.

This meant buying a few sausages and steaks, salad vegetables and bread.

Luckily Charlie and Harry turned up early, so they got to make the salads, plus it was handy that Linda, honorary benefactor, shouted a big bag of hot chips, our burner was a bit slow!

This made me realise how grateful we are to all the fathers and many other supporters who helped us in 2008.

It was a funny old year, a bit like the ’70’s oil crisis, or the ’87 crash, only worse? Like the end of the eighties, when government fiscal values seemed to switch from ‘controlled equality’ to ‘each for themselves’ then people only looked out for their own family. Our first real estate boom started, we rushed to the cities and all became a bit more isolated.

Naturally, one of the first things to suffer was community volunteering and soon after, a slow, drop off in community spirit. Cities like Christchurch seem to maintain a good level, certainly at Father and Child Trust, as many smaller farming towns still probably co-exist, by mucking in at times.

So luckily also for us, we are finding keen Auckland Dads who care enough to make time, to help others. We appreciate them helping at shows, contributing to our magazines, attending events, sharing their expertise and working behind the scenes.

We are not the only group attracting volunteers, but we are grateful, as for our funding. We see other support groups, plus I know about all the sports coaching and managing, cultural groups, dance and activities that totally rely on volunteers.

Whether motivated by their own hard times, witnessing someone else’s experience or to fulfil their generous spirit, the passion and energy that these volunteers generate, hopefully makes it worth all their whiles.

Without these gaps and cogs being filled and greased, how would our community gears keep turning?

Next: Parenting: Attention Span

Father And Son Reunion

Coming home one day to find his wife and son gone without as much as a good-bye note, Ken O’Connell followed a long hard road to bring his son home—with a little help from Father & Child. Jonathan Young reports.

Two years of struggle, confusion, frustration and growth, have finally culminated in Malcolm O’Connell returning to live with his father, Ken.

Ken (now aged 47) was a self-confessed ‘basket case’ when his former wife left the family home , without warning, and took their son.

He went from being Malcolm’s primary caregiver, to having absolutely no contact with his son, and for several weeks didn’t even know where Malcolm was, or if he was okay.

After an initial period of disbelief, Ken accepted that his marriage was over, but was still desperate to continue his relationship with Malcolm. But because of a Court Order (which was later overturned) he could not have direct or indirect contact with his son initially. “I couldn’t even look for him. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart”.

Ken didn’t know where to turn, so he spoke to a friend who worked at the Salvation Army, where Ken had been a volunteer in the past.

They directed him to the Father & Child Trust.

Ken took every parenting course he could find, and worked hard to make sure he followed everything the Court wanted him to do.

“It made me more aware of the changes I did need to make to become a better parent. Although I thought I was a good parent, it made me aware of other things I could do to improve.”

Ken is a truck driver, and Malcolm used to spend much of his time ‘helping’ dad in the truck. Unlike some fathers, Ken was lucky enough to have an employer who was empathetic to his situation.

Lawyers visits and other appointments took up a lot of time and he was able to make his work schedule flexible to accommodate these.

Ken received constant support from his own parents. They were involved with emotional support for Ken, but also for Malcolm.

They encouraged him every step of the way, and without their support, Ken says he would have given up more than once.

“It’s been hard on them too. They used to spend a lot of time with Malcolm, and look after him when me and his mother were working. So Malcolm was missing out on his grandparents too”.

Ken felt that Malcolm’s strong attachment to his grandparents was a major factor in the judge’s final decision.
Because his wife had taken Malcolm to Auckland, the Family Court case was heard there, not in Christchurch where they used to live.

This further complicated matters for Ken, as it meant finding money for airfares for both himself and his mother to attend court hearings, as well as additional time off work. It also meant having an Auckland-based lawyer, so most of their contact was through telephone and emails.

Ken cannot speak highly enough of his lawyer’s, Claudia Elliot, advice, experience and manner.

It was several months before Malcolm had his first visit back to Christchurch. Until then Ken had only had spasmodical telephone contact, which sometimes upset Ken as he worried about Malcolm if the phone call
didn’t occur as scheduled.

Although Ken had paid for the airfares and waited at the airport, Malcolm was not on the plane. Outwards appearances might paint Ken as a ‘kiwi bloke’ and a bit ‘rough around the edges’.

However, he was visibly upset when Malcolm did not arrive.

Initially, the visits were ‘supervised’ by Ken’s parents. “They were good visits, but they were restricted by the supervision”.

When Malcolm did visit, Ken was very careful not to talk about the Family Court proceedings in front of his son. He often found it hard to relax, as he was worried that if anything went wrong during the visit, he wouldn’t be able to see Malcolm again.

Ken’s mother would accompany the pair wherever they went, including Ken’s truck where Malcolm was keen to get back to helping his dad at work.

The family worked hard to make sure Malcolm had an awesome holiday, but also not to spoil him too much as they didn’t want to feel they were bribing Malcolm into wanting to live back in Christchurch.

Ken can’t count the number of times that he felt like giving up. He says that sometimes it just felt hopeless, and that at every turn he was expecting to be made to jump through another hoop.

Ken made full use of the Father and Child Trust drop in centre in Christchurch, and the support offered to him by staff and other Trust members. 

“Resources provided to me by the Trust were excellent, including support in Auckland as well as Christchurch. The networks and contacts of Father & Child trust were amazing.”

Ken was able to talk to other men in similar situations, and men who had regained their relationship with their children. When Malcolm would visit, Ken and his mother would often call in for a coffee and a chat.

The love and respect between Ken and Malcolm was obvious to all, and now they are frequent visitors.
After two years of Family Court proceedings it was finally decided that Malcolm would return to live with his father.

Ken had counted the days: “It was 706 days from the time they left, till the day the judge gave him back to me”.

“’Thank you’ didn’t seem like enough. There wasn’t a word I could use to say how happy and grateful I was”.

Ken feels that life is back to normal now. Malcolm is loving being back in Christchurch, and is settling in well to his new school.

Ken knows there is bound to be some bumps along the way, but is looking forward to the joys and challenges of being a single dad.

Next: Family Values In Politics