Comment: Where Would We Be?

For our end of year function, at Father and Child Auckland, we hosted a barbeque.

This meant buying a few sausages and steaks, salad vegetables and bread.

Luckily Charlie and Harry turned up early, so they got to make the salads, plus it was handy that Linda, honorary benefactor, shouted a big bag of hot chips, our burner was a bit slow!

This made me realise how grateful we are to all the fathers and many other supporters who helped us in 2008.

It was a funny old year, a bit like the ’70’s oil crisis, or the ’87 crash, only worse? Like the end of the eighties, when government fiscal values seemed to switch from ‘controlled equality’ to ‘each for themselves’ then people only looked out for their own family. Our first real estate boom started, we rushed to the cities and all became a bit more isolated.

Naturally, one of the first things to suffer was community volunteering and soon after, a slow, drop off in community spirit. Cities like Christchurch seem to maintain a good level, certainly at Father and Child Trust, as many smaller farming towns still probably co-exist, by mucking in at times.

So luckily also for us, we are finding keen Auckland Dads who care enough to make time, to help others. We appreciate them helping at shows, contributing to our magazines, attending events, sharing their expertise and working behind the scenes.

We are not the only group attracting volunteers, but we are grateful, as for our funding. We see other support groups, plus I know about all the sports coaching and managing, cultural groups, dance and activities that totally rely on volunteers.

Whether motivated by their own hard times, witnessing someone else’s experience or to fulfil their generous spirit, the passion and energy that these volunteers generate, hopefully makes it worth all their whiles.

Without these gaps and cogs being filled and greased, how would our community gears keep turning?

Next: Parenting: Attention Span

Father And Son Reunion

Coming home one day to find his wife and son gone without as much as a good-bye note, Ken O’Connell followed a long hard road to bring his son home—with a little help from Father & Child. Jonathan Young reports.

Two years of struggle, confusion, frustration and growth, have finally culminated in Malcolm O’Connell returning to live with his father, Ken.

Ken (now aged 47) was a self-confessed ‘basket case’ when his former wife left the family home , without warning, and took their son.

He went from being Malcolm’s primary caregiver, to having absolutely no contact with his son, and for several weeks didn’t even know where Malcolm was, or if he was okay.

After an initial period of disbelief, Ken accepted that his marriage was over, but was still desperate to continue his relationship with Malcolm. But because of a Court Order (which was later overturned) he could not have direct or indirect contact with his son initially. “I couldn’t even look for him. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart”.

Ken didn’t know where to turn, so he spoke to a friend who worked at the Salvation Army, where Ken had been a volunteer in the past.

They directed him to the Father & Child Trust.

Ken took every parenting course he could find, and worked hard to make sure he followed everything the Court wanted him to do.

“It made me more aware of the changes I did need to make to become a better parent. Although I thought I was a good parent, it made me aware of other things I could do to improve.”

Ken is a truck driver, and Malcolm used to spend much of his time ‘helping’ dad in the truck. Unlike some fathers, Ken was lucky enough to have an employer who was empathetic to his situation.

Lawyers visits and other appointments took up a lot of time and he was able to make his work schedule flexible to accommodate these.

Ken received constant support from his own parents. They were involved with emotional support for Ken, but also for Malcolm.

They encouraged him every step of the way, and without their support, Ken says he would have given up more than once.

“It’s been hard on them too. They used to spend a lot of time with Malcolm, and look after him when me and his mother were working. So Malcolm was missing out on his grandparents too”.

Ken felt that Malcolm’s strong attachment to his grandparents was a major factor in the judge’s final decision.
Because his wife had taken Malcolm to Auckland, the Family Court case was heard there, not in Christchurch where they used to live.

This further complicated matters for Ken, as it meant finding money for airfares for both himself and his mother to attend court hearings, as well as additional time off work. It also meant having an Auckland-based lawyer, so most of their contact was through telephone and emails.

Ken cannot speak highly enough of his lawyer’s, Claudia Elliot, advice, experience and manner.

It was several months before Malcolm had his first visit back to Christchurch. Until then Ken had only had spasmodical telephone contact, which sometimes upset Ken as he worried about Malcolm if the phone call
didn’t occur as scheduled.

Although Ken had paid for the airfares and waited at the airport, Malcolm was not on the plane. Outwards appearances might paint Ken as a ‘kiwi bloke’ and a bit ‘rough around the edges’.

However, he was visibly upset when Malcolm did not arrive.

Initially, the visits were ’supervised’ by Ken’s parents. “They were good visits, but they were restricted by the supervision”.

When Malcolm did visit, Ken was very careful not to talk about the Family Court proceedings in front of his son. He often found it hard to relax, as he was worried that if anything went wrong during the visit, he wouldn’t be able to see Malcolm again.

Ken’s mother would accompany the pair wherever they went, including Ken’s truck where Malcolm was keen to get back to helping his dad at work.

The family worked hard to make sure Malcolm had an awesome holiday, but also not to spoil him too much as they didn’t want to feel they were bribing Malcolm into wanting to live back in Christchurch.

Ken can’t count the number of times that he felt like giving up. He says that sometimes it just felt hopeless, and that at every turn he was expecting to be made to jump through another hoop.

Ken made full use of the Father and Child Trust drop in centre in Christchurch, and the support offered to him by staff and other Trust members. 

“Resources provided to me by the Trust were excellent, including support in Auckland as well as Christchurch. The networks and contacts of Father & Child trust were amazing.”

Ken was able to talk to other men in similar situations, and men who had regained their relationship with their children. When Malcolm would visit, Ken and his mother would often call in for a coffee and a chat.

The love and respect between Ken and Malcolm was obvious to all, and now they are frequent visitors.
After two years of Family Court proceedings it was finally decided that Malcolm would return to live with his father.

Ken had counted the days: “It was 706 days from the time they left, till the day the judge gave him back to me”.

“’Thank you’ didn’t seem like enough. There wasn’t a word I could use to say how happy and grateful I was”.

Ken feels that life is back to normal now. Malcolm is loving being back in Christchurch, and is settling in well to his new school.

Ken knows there is bound to be some bumps along the way, but is looking forward to the joys and challenges of being a single dad.

Next: Family Values In Politics

Christchurch has a father’s playgroup again. Thursdays 10 am at the Father & Child premises, 1/369 Hereford Street. Phone (982 2440) or email Ross at the office for info.

The third ‘focus on fathers’ week in Waitakere is in full swing and will end on Sunday, Father’s Day.

The event was opened on Monday, 31 August, by Mayor Bob Harvey who felt that ‘we have not supported fathers as much as we could have and should have’. ‘Essentially Men’ founder Rex McCann urged dads to introduce their children to other men as well, and Father & Child coordinator Harald Breiding-Buss (image left) spoke about involved fatherhood being just as important for girls as for boys. (more…)

Father & Child Trust is looking for fathers who have day-to-day care of at least one child eight years or under in either Christchurch or Auckland. The Trust is conducting what is believed to be the first study in New Zealand on the circumstances, issues and support of solo fathers and their young children. (more…)

After three weeks of somewhat disrupted service, Christchurch Father & Child Trust have found a new father support worker. Fathers dropping in at the Trust’s Hereford Street premises had found themselves facing closed doors during late March and early April more than we would have liked, as coordinator Harald Breiding-Buss and administrator Janet Albertson struggled under the added workload. (more…)

Christchurch Father & Child support worker Jonathan Young said that he knows of ‘a lot of 15 and 16-year-old parents that are a hell of a lot better than 40-year old parents’ in today’s Press, which features one of Father & Child’s supported teen dads, Jordan Cairns, on the cover. Jordan himself said he had ‘no regrets’ about becoming a dad so young. (more…)

The Lottery Grants Board declined an application by Father & Child Trust and Canterbury University researcher Jeffrey Gage for funding to conduct research on single custodial fathers with small children.
(more…)

Radio NZ National’s 9 to noon programme helped Father & Child Trust raise awareness for postnatal depression in men.

Father and Child Auckland Coordinator Brendon Smith and Wellington-based Board member and GP Mark Stephenson featured in a 20-minute segment on the topic, in which both the personal and the clinical aspects of the illness were discussed.
(more…)

Father & Child Trust Auckland

Contact Details

Phone:

09 525 1690

Mobile:

027 243 9363

Postal:

PO Box 11931

Ellerslie

Email:

peterb@fatherandchild.org.nz

Support Worker:

Brendon Smith

Phone:

09 525 1690

Mobile:

021 892 980

Email:

brendon@fatherandchild.org.nz

Auckland Co-Ordinator:

Peter Benzie

Phone:

09 525 1690

Mobile:

027 243 9363

Email:

peterb@fatherandchild.org.nz

Mauri Ora Fathers meetings

Every Wednesday we welcome all to our Mauri Ora Fathers group. We aim to provide a safe place for any fathering issues and strengthen our collective fathering abilities.

7-9pm, at the Onehunga Community Centre, (next to the library),
83 Church Street, Onehunga, Auckland – ph 525 1690.

We hope to see a few new faces, any local fathering advocates or dads who are keen to contribute to the new Auckland committee. Children are welcome, though we do usually leave them in front of a TV with a tin of biscuits!

For recent topics discussed during Mauri Ora Father Circle meetings see below.

Auckland Activity Summary – July 2009

Central Auckland Barnardos have encouraged us to contact all Barnardos teams and share our message and resources. We are part of the publicity and event coordinators for Waitakere City’s Focus on Fathering Week. The series of events leading to fathers day celebrations requires, local news and regional awareness.

We have a start date August 18th for the Waitakere Teen Dads Support Program with HealthWest, ChangeWorks and Barnardos in Waitakere City. This is the first teen father support project in Auckland.

Child Youth and Family at Youth Justice North engaged us to provide two sessions on Healthy Choices re Fathering. Based on positive feedback, plus our work in Christchurch, we have designed and submitted a 4-6week program proposal and await their decision.

This program helps young men appreciate the changes in lifestyle, relationships and commitments required to be a good father. Our research and experience, along with the Barnardos teen dads survey and Changeworks course and related workshops which have been used, lead us to believe that these courses lead to long term improvements.

We are being contacted for information and resources by many groups, ManAlive in Henderson, IRD in Whangerei and a counselling for couples after separation crew in Hamilton. As the printing of magazines for New Babies is currently halted awaiting funding, plus there are limits on our ability to print Dads and Babies booklets in bulk, with Auckland we are struggling to keep up.

Our Auckland office has been busier than usual in a number of ways. Our telephone support commitment has seen new clients weekly and a Mauri Ora Fathers group has been running since February. Activity has continued to increase, at all hours, during the period that our New Babies Edition – Father and Child magazines were distributed via the Bounty Packs.

We are also being asked to consider alternative advertising or sponsorship options for our New Babies magazines, which will concede some of the independence, credibility and product association preferences we were aiming to achieve. We hope that funders
appreciate our gratitude for their type of support before we have to concede.

We receive a number of calls from Citizens Advice and similar offices, so need to produce and print regular leaflets, flyers, correspondence and meeting notices.

Auckland Coming Out …

On the 2nd of March, 2008 Father and Child Trust Auckland, ‘came out’ in public. The event was the Toddler Day Out at Waitakere’s Trust Stadium. We were convinced that it was a better networking event than the Teddy Bear’s Picnic. In the end, we were lucky that another Trust helper attended Auckland’s usually more popular, domain based fun day.

After meeting and being given a handy sand-pit, by Annie Gordon of Barnardos, one of the organisers, we knew our visitors would be able to chat, while the toddlers built castles. With a giant bouncy Castle and busy dance and activity stage, the fun was everywhere, and we struggled to keep up with the visitors. Among the Dads and mums were other stand representatives who had noticed us. We got a lot of ‘finally’ and ‘thank-goodness’.

At one stage, we were visited by the Prime Minister Hon. Helen Clark, who asked. ‘And who are these people?’ to which I replied ‘We are the Father and Child Trust, we aim to educate and encourage all Dads. The PM replied quickly ‘Well, you encourage them to take up their paternal leave, now, if they want it.’ and I said ‘Yes, thanks.’

Then, her assistant noticed my buddy Ian, recently returned from Australia, mainly to live here while he brings up his children, with his baby asleep on his shoulder, beside me. They had to take the opportunity, three fast grins were assumed and the flash went pop!

We were glad to be noticed, but I was not sure if I wanted to be seen in that photograph. In fact, we met so many good contacts it needed to be a special person to stand out. Then, when Eva Scherer first met me, within a few minutes, she had me happily being photographed outside her pink drop tent and then smiling, sitting right inside!

There I had been, feeling reluctant in a photo–opp. with a VIP, yet happy to be pink?

AK Report April 2008

After printing and distributing flyers and posters, plus advising the local papers, we had around twelve people attend our initial meeting, including several keen committee members.

Between my introduction and Harald’s explanation of the Trust’s background, we answered many questions and felt confident of a need for our services in Auckland.

We attended the Toddler’s Day Out, March 2nd Waitakere City, we met many people, we were very busy, sharing our flyers, magazines and booklets, always running out!.

At one stage, we were visited by the Prime Minister Hon. Helen Clark, a lady from Poland who runs the Child Connection Trust, Plunket, Parents Centre and other west Auckland representatives from Barnardos, Porse and many Kindergartens

We also attended the Teddy Bear’s Picnic at the Domain, thanks to Paul Catton, and it was noted that with so many punters, we should be there next year as well.

We recently attended the Onehunga Fair, Sat 5th April, meeting more important contacts and potential new members, plus we heard the Mayor John Banks say what a great day it was as he stood within 8m of a where a new motorway runs,

We also attended the Onehunga Community Services Group meeting, spoke briefly and outlined our intentions, met several new contacts and shared flyers.

Our next meeting was at Onehunga Community Center, next to the library and a very new, well presented building. We had four new members including two from the previous meeting, including Eva the Child Connect lady. We enjoyed her outline and agreed to write an article on her program.

The demand for flyers has seen our limited supply run out completely, our next batch of 200 expected this week will almost certainly be exhausted right away.

I have heard from a West Health nurse met with the intention of setting up a teenage dad support program. He has had several questions answered by Harald and is holding a meeting in Early May. I also met a west Auckland Plunket lady who is trying to encourage a few young dads in Glen Eden.

From the start of next school term, ie Mon 5th May, we will invite solo or young dads to a Jingle and Jive song and dance event for toddlers. For $5 they can come along, participate and have tea afterwards.

There are similar sessions in the library on Thursdays so we expect a bit of cross-over promotion but we need to advertise and promote it too. I see this as a great way to involve local fathers and potential helpers.

We have set 5th May for our next meeting and expect a few new members.

While the next visit from Harald will be later in May and should allow us to have a New Babies magazine launch in Auckland, there may not be time to arrange a Dads and Babies Talk, as being held in Palmerton North, but I hope Harald can meet the Parents Center people and agree on a date.

As you may have heard, we were awarded approx $8k from Lotteries for event, salary and office costs.

Inaugural Meeting – March 2008

About a dozen fathers responded to Father & Child’s Auckland Regional Coordinator Brendon Smith’s call to form an Auckland committee. The Trust plans to build a viable local branch eventually providing services similar to those available in Christchurch and has received some support from funders for the initiative.

The meeting, which was held at Onehunga Community Centre, aimed to be the first step in a strategy that sets goals for the Trust in Auckland over the next year.

“Mauri Ora Notes”

12/05/09
This Week’s Issues:

We heard about how the new Movie – Men’s Group, sees a few
relative strangers come together, develop respect, become mates,
care for each other and explore many of ‘those unspoken things’,
as they struggled to communicate their feelings. One guy
usually had a little tipple, before each meeting in his car…

We talked of how mainly guys, use alcohol or drugs to cope,
how this is never a solution, it usually ends up in misery,
one of us has been through the rehab and knows now.

One of us has a child just out of starship, two weeks in,
now at home on medication, a bit of a tie but that’s being a dad,
they quickly make you realise what your precious treasure is.

One of us had ‘return business’ from 5 old work contacts
recently, and realised that he had had good relationships,
as well as good business with those customers, which is good..!

We talked about listening and making new members feel welcome.

*We were asked if we knew ‘the three most difficult things to say’
3. I love you
2. I’m sorry
1. I need help

We talked about respect and accommodating both cultural and parenting
or even personal situations. How only one person should speak at a time
we should not swear at, put down or make fun of each other, be positive.

One of us went to see his dad (86) at a family farewell and realised
that, at some stage soon, he will feel more like a father to his dad,
as he looks after him, or takes over some of his health and wellbeing.

11/07/09
This Week’s Issues:

We talked about our mission, and we tried a few words together,
please comment on the above text and introduction statement.

We talked about how we never want to fight over access issues,
the last thing we want to fight over is our children, and the last
person we want to fight with is usually their mother, but…

We talked about the story of king soloman,
when two women fought over a baby, he asked
‘Should I cut this baby in half?’ one woman cried
‘No, I’ll give up the baby if you will do that’
so he then gave this woman the baby…

Whether we are resigned to engaging in any battles,
we should try to do some things that transcend the fight.
ie, write the kids a letter, saying, I don’t like fighting over this,
I want to spend quality time with you, and I always will, etc

Don’t get too engaged in the fight and lose sight of the need
to enjoy and be happy with your children, to be right is not
always as important as to be happy, esp. for your kids.

We talked about how some dreams require a sacrifice,
but never give up wanting to be the best dad we can,
and that we should always look for the silver linings.

One challenged us all to answer, ‘If we asked our kids,
what would they say about how, we loved them’

with some of our children witnessing the answers,
we all enjoyed another positive connection.

This Week’s News:

Men’s Group – a movie was previewed at the Rialto in NZ on Monday,
this Melbourne based tragedy was filmed entirely with first takes,
so it grabs the audience and takes them for an emotional journey..
join the guys in their safe place, hear their stories, see their lives.
Highly recommended and hopefully rolling out near you soon!
(Watch this space for future screening info.)

Epsom Library are continuing their monthly session of ‘PlayDads’
stories with action and movement, with the next one at on April 4th,
Starting at 9am for children up to around 2 yrs old, and their dads!

Man Alive are offering a new Men in Relationships programme
in Henderson starting on Tue. 7th April, a 12 week course
for any men who want to work on relationship issues,
any questions contact, chris.mullins@manalive.org.nz

Join us for any father related wellbeing or support…
Mauri Ora Fathers’ Circle Wednesdays, 7.30pm, Onehunga Community Center
________________________________________
Father and Child Trust, Onehunga Community Center, 83 Church Street, next to library, auckland@fatherandchild.org.nz Ph (09) 525 1690 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              (09) 525 1690      end_of_the_skype_highlighting fatherandchild.org.nz

17/09/09
This Week’s Issues:

One of us has changed schools for an early teenage daughter.
This was a tough decision as they had been in a new, local school,
it was a forward thinking school with no PE, community projects etc,
but their child was quite academic, didn’t seem to be getting enough
stimulation or challenge, has moved to school further away,
Dad is now taxi man too, but it seems worthwhile so far.

One of us knows a ‘Rigger’ who has travelled the world,
working on high rise building projects and wants to introduce
this sort of trade training in to NZ schools. We all lamented the
lack of woodwork/metalwork/home economics nowadays.

One of us had children in trouble at school recently,
followed mates to shops instead of school, one of them
was caught shoplifting, not the first time. We understand
that kids get distracted, we only hope that they learn these
lessons while they’re young and what is right and wrong.

We appreciated the influence of sport on our children,
especially once they take it seriously, opportunities for
travel and professional careers are fantastic, but they need to
learn about life balance too especially the prospect of injuries,
or depression if the career path does not eventuate.

We talked about how it is true that it takes a community
to raise good children, but that is not always all that’s needed,
in some cases that implies that the parents are excused,
in reality the parents are vital and mustn’t neglect kids.

One of us, caught between his children and a wife
who wants to move to Nelson to be nearer her family,
was reminded that there is free counselling and mediation
available from the Family Court, if they had not already…

These sessions apparently start with separate interviews,
then they see each couple together, hoping to avoid court,
plus that if you get a good mediator/counsellor, it’s great!

We talked about how it is normal for relationships to
go up and down, especially around childbirth. Fathers
need to be sensitive to the changes mothers go through.

We also talked about the agony of knowing that if you leave,
or your children are led to believe that’s what happened,
it can leave a bad memory or cause trouble later.

27/11/09
This Week’s Issues:

We talked about the need to inform children, as soon as
possible in the event of a separation. This may seem hard,
because you don’t want to admit it’s the end, of face it,
and the children may have a half an idea something’s up,
so it pays to ease the tension, see if they have any questions,
if it comes as a shock to the children, that’s no good.

One of us ensured us that despite his parents splitting up,
when he was around 10, his father always talked to him,
kept to his word and made heaps of time for his son, plus
how children need to know both parents still love them.

We suggested that the ‘announcement’ of the separation,
should be pre-planned, in a calm time and place,
by the parents, including most of what is to be said.

The children need to know they have a say if they need,
and that the positive, ‘two homes now’ angle can help.

Someone said it’s hard when ‘ideals’ or dreams are broken,
someone else said you have to break eggs to make omelette.

One of us said it pays to be sure you are safe, and that the
relationship you have with your children is safe, especially
the lines of communication with and about them, even if that
means you have to move out or put up with other things.

One of us said how he had agonised over his recent leaving,
but talked to his daughter carefully, maintains heaps of time,
and now has a good arrangement with her and the mother.

One of us has just got his same child out of starship, again,
now on new medication, but certainly better than last week!

Join us for any father related issues or support…
Mauri Ora Fathers’ Circle Wednesdays, 7.30pm, Onehunga Community Center
________________________________________
Father and Child Trust, Onehunga Community Center, 83 Church Street, next to library, auckland@fatherandchild.org.nz Ph (09) 525 1690 fatherandchild.org.nz