Features:

Forgiveness
Is forgiveness still a virtue worth striving for? And how do we teach it to our children. Psychological researcher Myron Friesen is on to the subject .
SORRY - The author did not permit reproduction of his article on the web.

Separated - What Now?
Some solid advice on how to keep your relationships with your children on track. By Ron Thow. 

An Ordinary Dad

Good Men- Good Sons

In Brief:

Growth in Single Parent Households Halted - Census

The steady growth of single-parent households that began in the early 80s has turned into a small decline, according to 2006 Census data. 30% of households with children were single parent households in 2006, compared to 31% in 2001. Only the West Coast regions of both islands were bucking the trend with slight increases. The drop in single parent households was strongest in the South Island, especially in Canterbury, Otago and Tasman regions. The region with the highest proportion of single parent households is Gisborne at 40%, the lowest is Tasman at 24%. More detailed data, such as sex of parent in single parent households, or age of parents, is not yet available from Statistics New Zealand. Census and other statistical data is available from the Statistics New Zealand web site www.stats.govt.nz or through any of their offices.

The steady growth of single-parent households that began in the early 80s has turned into a small decline, according to 2006 Census data.
30% of households with children were single parent households in 2006, compared to 31% in 2001. Only the West Coast regions of both islands were bucking the trend with slight increases.

The drop in single parent households was strongest in the South Island, especially in Canterbury, Otago and Tasman regions. The region with the highest proportion of single parent households is Gisborne at 40%, the lowest is Tasman at 24%.
More detailed data, such as sex of parent in single parent households, or age of parents, is not yet available from Statistics New Zealand. Census and other statistical data is available from the Statistics New Zealand web site www.stats.govt.nz or through any of their offices.

Father Initiatives Snubbed by Government Funders

Funding for father services in New Zealand remains marginal after both national and local government funders have declined parting with money for solid project proposals by the Father & Child Trust. The Trust is the only legal entity in New Zealand providing on-the-ground services specifically for fathers and the children in their care.
S.K.I.P., a fund administered by the Ministry of Social Development, declined an application for renewal of funding for the Trust's parent education project, targeting specifically marginalised groups of fathers, after having provided financial support since 2004. The position was subsequently made redundant.
A research project aiming to establish support needs of solo fathers was declined by the 'Blue Skies Fund', a Families Commission fund. And shortly before Christmas the Christchurch City Council decided not to support a Trust project on parent education for inmates at Christchurch Prison's Youth Unit for funding through the Ministry of Youth Development’s 'Youth Development Partnership Fund'.
In all three cases the reason given was that the funders felt applications did not match the criteria closely enough.
The Trust has never received significant amounts of government funding in its 10 year history with the exception of two years of SKIP funding worth about $55,000. Its teenage fathers survey, for example, had been funded by a Netherlands-based Early Childhood Development agency because no monies could be obtained in New Zealand.

New Fathers Misunderstood Says Nelson Study

A study by the Nelson-Marlborough Institute of Technology and the Public Health Service has found that new fathers are worried about different things than what their partners think they are worried about!
The new fathers participating in the study ranked three issues most important of all: the lack of involvement in the transition process to parenthood, a stressed relationship with the partner, and the joys of being a dad.
However, the mothers in the study thought their men are at least just as concerned with money, sex and the gender of the baby - issues that were mentioned in the men's interviews, but not even ranked as important.
"The data ranked as important by the women (but not by the men) tends to reflect commonly held views about how men respond to fatherhood." write researchers David Mitchell and Philip Chapman. "This raises questions about discourse that is dominant, where it originates and whose interests it reflects."
The researchers acknowledge the limitations of their study, which involved only 11 couples who were interviewed in gender-specific groups before the birth and 6 months after.
The fathers in the study also widely criticised not being involved by midwives, Plunket nurses or other providers and ranked this as one of the top issues.
Father & Child Trust Coordinator Harald Breiding-Buss, who has worked with men in antenatal classes for 9 years, agrees with the findings. "The failure of 'maternity' services to address, or even know about, new fathers real concerns is a major contributing factor to relationships making an irreversible turn for the worse around this time", he says. "We're having a 21st century maternity service system based on 1950's stereotypical beliefs."
Previous research by the Mitchell/Chapman team had found similar discrepancies between views and needs that men expressed to their interviewers, and perceptions held by maternity health professionals.

Young Jaibirds Get Parent Education

Eight teenage fathers or fathers-to-be aged between 16 and 18 at Christchurch Prison's Youth Unit went through a five-session course on parenting and fatherhood facilitated by Father & Child Trust staff at the request of the Youth Unit. The course is believed to be the first such initiative anywhere in New Zealand.
The course was designed after a focus group was held to determine what participants most wanted to get out of it, and the resulting course covered early childhood development as well as Family Law issues and the impact of 'lifestyle choices' such as drugs and alcohol on parenting.
Feedback obtained after the course was unanimous in that the course was too short and more was needed.
Trust workers were surprised by the high proportion of parents in the 40-bed unit, which is about 100 times higher than in the general population of this age group.

Editorial:

Sexism

I admit I’m a bit confused as to what constitutes sexism.

When our local soccer club sent the enrolment documents for the upcoming season, there was an option to tick for girls who wanted to play in an all-girls team. Boys weren’t given an option.

When I mentioned to a friend that I thought boys should be able to choose to play in an all-boys team as well she was aghast. ‘That would be sexism!’

It’s not a do-or-die issue for me—both my children are girls and therefore get the options— but it certainly is not equal treatment.

This sort of thing happens a lot. My wife got herself some information about an upcoming women’s outdoor festival. Heaps of mother-daughter outdoor activities in there, fantastic stuff.

But why are there no equivalents for men? In fact, when that all-male English cricket association once again declined to admit female members a few years ago, that was news that went around the world—the last old male bastion refusing to fall, chauvinism at its worst.

So what makes it okay for women to organise themselves in male-free clubs or events, but not for men? More importantly, what does that suggest to our boys and girls, if girls have the choice to be without boys, but not vice versa?

My daughters keep saying that boys are not allowed to hit girls. The other day I replied that girls are also not allowed to hit boys. My younger daughter’s reaction to that was ‘Oh Dad, you know what I mean’. I wish I did. In my opinion noone is allowed to hit anyone. How come that an 11-year old girl believes there are more restrictions on what boys are allowed to do than on girls?

Part of me, though, thinks that’s alright. Ironically it’s the chauvinist part: the part that thinks females are worthy of special protection from males, and males have to be gentlemen and not exclude women from anything they want.

You really have to dig quite deep into the box of stereotypes to justify different treatment of boys and girls, men and women, on the sole basis of gender. Meanwhile it worries me that our kids somehow get the impression that girls are the privileged sex. If boys, somehow deep down, feel they are the underdogs, that can’t be good for relationships.

Personally I think both boys and girls (and men and women) should have opportunities (but not obligations) to do stuff together without the other sex there. But having said that, there were times in my life when I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having to do something with only other boys…

Certainly, if we want equality of opportunities for both sexes, we have to start looking both ways.

Harald Breiding-Buss

Parenting:

Role Models
with Ron Thow

Parents are the first and, hopefully, best role models for their children. This, of course, means that we can’t always get away with just telling our children what to do—especially if we are doing something different.

Younger children especially tend to see the world in black and white, right and wrong. It isn’t until they are much older that they begin to realise that there are shades of grey in the middle as well.

So, if we as parents are to help our children to become the best versions of themselves that they can be we have to walk the walk as well as talk the talk. The foods we eat, the exercise we get or how we interact with others—showing appropriate manners and respect—all of these things are important and our children’s behaviour will generally reflect on our own.

But before you decide that you have been sentenced to a life of perfect behaviour so that your children will be good adults, parents are not the only role models that children take heed of.

Children will find a range of role models in a wide variety of places, from the fictional on television and in books, to sporting icons, teachers, friends and other family members.

One of the most important skills that you can help your children to develop is that of evaluating potential role models.

Collectively these people are known as ‘heroic’ role models. They are people that others look up to, aspire to be like and want to copy. In NZ this especially means sports stars and celebrities.

The heroic role model is a very powerful icon and this can be a huge benefit when they model pro-social behaviours, but an equally big problem if the modelin question is involved in negative or anti-social behaviour.

These role models are the mainstay of the advertising industry—after all, if Sarah Ullmer eats McDonalds then it can’t be ‘junk’, can it? Which means that the perception of them can be distorted in various ways.

This distortion can result in unrealistic expectations for the child who wants to emulate them. The cool loner hero who breaks the rules and gets the mission accomplished is fine as a fictional movie character, but generally wouldn’t last long in the real world.

So, teaching your children to make judgments about their heroes is very important. All sorts of things stem from that skill. The ability to learn from others’ mistakes or copy others’ successes, creating self-respect and respect for others, and identifying societal expectations and norms, to name a few. So how do we foster critical thinking about potential role models?

·                Expose your children to a variety of role models. Don’t just rely on television or sports. In this way they begin to learn that different people have different things to offer, different skills or perspectives and that it is okay that one approach to problem-solving doesn’t fix every situation.

·                Talk to them about people that they see in daily life, their teachers, friends or family for instance, and ask questions. Asking them if they think that the actions or behaviour of someone else was appropriate, right or wrong in a given situation will start to build the foundation for critical thinking and decision-making about your child’s own behaviour.

·                Point out when you have made an error. If you demonstrate that errors are just part of being human and that how you deal with them is important you foster  the child’s taking personal responsibility for their mistakes. This is an important part of developing confidence, assertive behaviour, and a healthy self-image.

·                Encourage children to reach for role models that will stretch them in life. Getting your children to strive for their own goals is much more positive than simply pushing them. They are more likely to achieve more of their potential if they are in the driver’s seat and you are the co-pilot than if the positions are reversed.

But whatever other role models your child finds, try to be the best one that you can be.