Features:

Father Anger
Some separated dads have hit the streets - or rather footpaths - demonstrating outside the abodes of family lawyers they feel are biased against men. What's driving them? investigates Mark Stephenson. With opinions by staff writers Ron Thow and Brendon Smith. 

Multitasking? Big Deal!
After three babies, Peter Walker thinks men's lack of multitasking prowess is a myth.

Books for Dads.

In Brief:

Father & Child Move Into Auckland

The Father & Child Trust is now officially represented in New Zealand’s largest city. Brendon Smith (pictured with children Keegan and Madeleine) has taken the role of Auckland Regional Coordinator. He will be in charge of establishing local networks and contacts that will lead to the provision of Father & Child services in Auckland.
Brendon became involved with Father & Child through this magazine about three years ago and has contributed regularly. For the last two years he has also been a member of the Trust’s Board.
In his other life Brendon helps build websites, works as a yardman and is a primary parent to his daughter and son.
Father & Child work in Auckland is planned to start with the maternity sector, which means involvement in antenatal classes and postnatal support for new dads. The Trust had targeted the sector in Christchurch since its beginning nine years ago and has  built up a fair amount of knowledge about new father support. Much of this is available through the Father & Child web site and through the resource ‘ Dads and Babies’.
Brendon also wants to get a core group of dads together to manage the Auckland branch.
“I think the Auckland region already has good press and several well established men's groups.”, he says. ”While some of them focus on father's issues, not many have the backing of a good research and services base like the Father and Child Trust. I hope to establish a positive and effective service for all fathers by sharing information, including local features and promoting the magazine.”
The Trust had tried at the same time to establish a Regional Coordinator position in Wellington as well, but so far has been unsuccessful in obtaining funding.
The Trust’s Christchurch-based general Coordinator Harald Breiding-Buss is optimistic about the Auckland branch’s prospects:
“This is the first serious attempt in a very long time to establish regular services for dads outside Christchurch and hopefully the first step in father support being provided everywhere in New Zealand”, he says.
Auckland Father & Child Trust contacts:
PO Box  11 931, Ellerslie
Ph (09) 525 1690 or 021-892 980
brendon@fatherandchild.net.nz

Car Seat Exemption Laws a Problem
Christchurch Father & Child Trust worker Jonathan Young ran into problems when trying to find a taxi company that uses approved child restraints.
“I recently accompanied some proud new parents, leaving hospital to take baby home”, he reports.
“ We called a taxi to transport the precious cargo, but this particular company didn’t have a carseat in any of their vehicles. I phoned another taxi company, and another, and they didn’t have any either.
“It seems that ‘taxis are exempt’, and babies do not need to be restrained.  Instead, parents are advised to nurse babies on their knee.”
After several more attempts Jonathan found one company willing to provide a seat with a $15 surcharge. However the group ended up taking the bus.
Jonathan later confirmed the law exemption with the Land Transport Safety Authority, who referred him to parliament if he had a problem with it.
The experience left Jonathan  flabbergasted. “Didn’t we have a big advertising campaign a few years ago warning that if you did that, your baby would fly through the windscreen? Is it possible that taxi drivers have magic powers that prevent babies from flying through windows?”
Jonathan struck problems with taxis before and says that the majority of taxi drivers start driving before he could secure his own daughter’s seatbelt.

 Airline Complaints to Go to Human Rights Tribunal
Father & Child understands that mediation between Air New Zealand, Qantas and several complainants has failed regarding changing the current policy of moving  males away from unaccompanied children on airplanes .
One of the complainants, who had withdrawn from the mediation process before it came to an end, intends to take the matter to the Human Rights Review Tribunal.
After hearing the case the Tribunal will issue a finding about whether the practice of asking men to move seats when sitting next to an unaccompanied child is a breach of the Human Rights Act .

Editorial:

Statistics and Dads

How many ‘single parent families’ are there in New Zealand?

Depending on who you ask you will usually get a figure of around 33%, or around 25% if there are pre-schoolers in the house. And the numbers never fail to shock, because they carry that unspoken assumption that 33% of children live without a father.

In actual fact none of the sources for these statistics are hugely reliable.  Census plays a big role in family statistics, but the Census form does not actually ask about families. It determines households, and even that depends on the person filling in the dwelling form (remember the brown one?) to state accurately who’s there and who’s away.

During the 2001 Census some father’s groups protested against the Census questionnaires because the questions, even if all answered truthfully, are likely to quite significantly understate the time fathers spend with their children. They are not designed to give an answer to the question of single parent families, nor do they intend to, but are used for that purpose regardless.

Because the Census is held on a Tuesday, a child of separated parents  is much less likely to be with the father, who is most likely to be in full employment, even if there is a shared custody arrangement. On the flip side, however, where the father is the custodial parent, access times for mothers tend to be during the week rather than weekends. Census probably overstates the number of children mainly living with the mother compared to children mainly living with the father.

The fact that you have to put your name on the Census forms also discourages people to be honest about their living arrangements if they are on benefits.

Other surveys have similar flaws, and figures quoted about the number of ‘single parent’ families need to be taken as a maximum estimate. Neither is the split between single mothers and single fathers very reliable (and in many cases it is not even a useful description of a child’s living circumstances). The few papers that try to estimate the number of single fathers put it at 15-20% of all single parents in New Zealand.

Which leads to the question: should we try to get reliable family figures?

Census costs about $60 million to do each time and contains many questions of little use to anyone. Family type and composition, and the amount of time parents spend with their children, have been social issues debated for a long time now and are not likely to go away any time soon. Much policy is made (and much money spent) on the basis of such wobbly family data.

What goes into the Census questionnaire is not determined by the government: it is subject to a public consultation process and is in the end determined by the users of the data (of which the government is one, but by no means the only).

Good decision-making needs good data. Let’s try and tidy up our family statistics methods.

Harald Breiding-Buss 

Parenting:

Discipline
with Ron Thow

I thought that I’d start with the easy stuff, so I’ll talk about discipline. OK, so I lied about the easy stuff. Discipline can be a very tricky thing for parents. Sometimes you just do what your parents did, other times you deliberately do the opposite, depending on your own childhood experiences. Everyone has advice and ideas on how you should and shouldn’t discipline your children and usefully it almost all contradicts.
First of all, what am I talking about when I say discipline? Discipline is not punishment but punishment is part of discipline, confused? Well, by discipline I mean the teaching of your children, the things that they need to know to become ‘good’ socially well-adjusted adults. Manners, not rioting in the supermarket, not pounding on their classmate in the sandpit or having a tantrum to get that vital last turn on the swing, that sort of important stuff.
So, in this context, discipline means ‘to learn’ (as in disciple). In order to teach our children, most parents build up a ‘toolbox’ of skills, tricks and tips. Ideally it’s a big toolbox with just the right tool for the job but in the beginning most of us start off trying to fix every problem with a hammer. So a large part of being a ‘good’ parent is picking up new strategies or tools to make discipline more effective.
Here are a few potential tools to consider for your toolbox :
Catch them being good: Most children have a fairly deep-seated desire to please their parents, so one really effective technique is to simply catch them being good. It is just as simple as it sounds. Instead of taking it for granted when they behaving themselves, comment on it, tell them how well-behaved they have been and how impressed you are with them. This has other benefits too, you get to feel all warm and fuzzy, as a ‘good’ parent should - a reward for you as well then.
Explain clearly what you want. So basic but if you don’t seem to be getting through to your child then step back and check they understand what you are trying to say. Don’t assume that your child understands what you expect of them. Ask them what they think you mean, then correct any misimpressions  and clarify your expectations. Make sure that you’re setting them behavioural goals that are achievable.
Consistency.
Nothing undermines a child’s perception of behaving  appropriately than a parent who sometimes punishes or rewards and sometimes ignores things. Imagine your boss sometimes praising you and sometimes ignoring you at work. Part of this is picking your battles. Decide which issues you are going to tackle and stick to them. You can’t fight every battle and shouldn’t try but if you select the right ones to take a firm stance on then you won’t need to.
Don’t make threats/promises that you aren’t prepared to carry-out. This is a biggie, countless parents have blown themselves out of the water by making an ultimatum then whimping out when it needs to  be implemented. If your child understands and believes that you will do what you say you will then life gets a great deal simpler. It goes for good as well as bad, don’t promise things then forget or miss them. Nobody’s perfect but your child needs to be able to trust and rely on what you say and do.
Sometimes you are wrong. It’s not the end of the world if you make a mistake, jump to the wrong conclusion about a situation or snap at the end of a bad day. Apologise, then explain what went wrong and start again. At least then you are teaching your child a valuable lesson about mistakes and how to deal with them.
Pick the right reward. Hugs and praise never go out of fashion but other rewards need to be selected carefully. Especially for star charts and the like, the delay between desired behaviour should be fairly short, so use smaller more immediate rewards (especially with younger children) rather than bigger more distant ones. A small treat at the end of each day rather than a bigger one at the end of a week may prove more effective in shaping behaviour.
Be proactive. You are dreaming if you think you can fill a child with junk food, sugar and excitement and not have it end in tears. Why do you think birthday parties so often end in tantrums and crying? Mini quiet-times to let a child calm down and limiting consumption of sugar and soft drinks can really help prevent behaviour issues before they even happen. Younger children don’t have the energy reserves that adults do, they burn energy fast and crash hard when they run out, so thinking about the situation before it occurs can really make a difference. By the same token remember the snacks and water when you go out, otherwise shopping day can get ugly, very quickly.
These items are a starting point. They have the advantage of being easy to try and not having any real disadvantages. As part of the parents toolbox they are a good stepping stone to more involved methods.

Happy parenting.